Fear of intimacy and pain of isolation

A couple of recent events have prompted me to create this blog. Actually, it is not the events themselves, but my reactions to them that bring me here.

My Dad fell and broke his shoulder and can no longer get himself in and out of bed. Someone must stay overnight with him and assist him during his frequent efforts to urinate. He is a recovering alcoholic and was a pretty mean SOB in his day. I am finding it very difficult to have sympathy and compassion for him at this point in his life and that has led to some pretty strong feelings of guilt and shame.

Additionally, I learned that the woman I love lied to me and betrayed me. The subsequent feelings of abandonment are overwhelming. This happened another time in my recent past and I'm now left wondering what is wrong with me that I would have chosen these women to love.

Taken together, these events have rocked me and moved me off my center. Not all together a bad thing because it has caused me to take a hard look at myself in an attempt to understand myself in a way I never have before.

The purpose of this blog is just that - to share with people I respect and trust, some possible understandings of myself in this world. It is not my attempt to prescribe or preach, but simply to share what I understand at this point in time. I hope that my understandings will change and grow over time. My current blogs might appear silly and superficial when compared with later ones. I sure hope so.

The benefits of blogging include forcing myself to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling, prompt me to keep learning and growing, and allow others the opportunity, but not the responsibility, to give me some feedback.

So here we go........

I read the other day that many of us vacillate between the pain of intimacy and hopeless isolation. I have come to realize that I I've struggled with this all my life. When I am in a relationship and we start to get close, I get nervous and edgy. It is like I'm running around making sure all the cracks are sealed and the walls are strong so that my my partner can't see me being vulnerable. I need to maintain an air of cool, and calm at all times. I'm sort of the James Dean of emotional intimacy. When I do lose my cool, I'm harsh and hard in voice and countenance. I begin to find reasons to break up with my partner. I find her faults and perseverate on them like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. Regardless of how attractive my partner is, I start looking at other women and wondering what she is like. I grow quiet, moody, and disengaged.

This must be so difficult for my partner, sensing that I am holding back and wondering, "Is it me or is it him?" They, of course, want to help and want to get closer, which I perceive as more intrusion and even more painful, so I shut down even more. Eventually, they give up. And I'm left alone.

Once I'm alone, I start looking for another partner. Or I watch too much television, or eat too much sugar, or drink too much alcohol. I do anything to prevent me from facing that 'hopeless isolation." I start calling or emailing friends I haven't talked to in awhile. I go out to eat just so I'll be around people. Fortunately, (or unfortunately) it never takes me too long to find another partner and then the cycle starts all over again.

So, what to do? Well, I could spend a lot of time and thought wondering where this mess all started. I suppose I could blame my parents. Or maybe the Nuns in elementary school. Instead, I think I'll just move forward from here and try to identify and practice some strategies that may help me become more comfortable with intimacy and less fearful of being alone. I think practice and modeling are keys to effective learning, so I am going put myself in settings that are comfortable and that allow and encourage intimacy. I'm going to sit quietly more and make friends with my alone time. Specifically, I've decided to do the following.

I've begun attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. These are helpful in that one is allowed to share one's most intimate feelings, thoughts and emotions in a supportive and noncritical environment. Cross talking - commenting on or questioning what another has said - is not permitted. Watching and listening to others open up and share their most intimate thoughts, feelings and emotions gives me the courage to open myself up as well.

Additionally, I've been speaking more openly to selected friends about what is going on in my life in a way that I have never ever done. I'm letting myself be seen as vulnerable, troubled, and struggling. This has been liberating in that my friends have embraced me and I think, see me as more human.

Writing this blog is yet another strategy that I hope will work.

I've signed up for a weekend course at Kripalu for singles called something like "Creating Spiritual Partnerships." Here I hope to focus on values and to determine what exactly I am looking for in a partner.

Lastly, in order to get comfortable with being alone, I'm not going to enter into another relationship for some time, probably one year. In fact, the old cycle started to repeat itself already this afternoon when a colleague said to me, "Now that you don't have a girlfriend, do you finally want to meet my friend?" I turned it down with an explanation that I want to spend some time with myself, thinking and hopefully learning about myself. I'm going to be careful of television, eating sugar, drinking alcohol. I plan to do more reading, blogging, playing music, painting, and volunteering.

By the way, I'm teaching swing dance lessons at the Library in preparation for the Library's fundraising dance, An Evening of Blues, Take Two with Al Copley January 26. The lessons are December 5, 12, and 19 from 6:30 to 8:00 and are free. Singles and couples welcome. No charge but participants are encouraged to attend the fundraising dance.

So there you have Some Understandings of Fear of Intimacy and pain of isolation.

Thanks for reading.