The "F' Word

No, Not THAT "F" word!!!

I'm writing about feelings. Me? Write about Feelings? YIKES!!!!

I hope this is one of those blogs that I look back on and think, 'Wow! You really didn't understand much did you?" Please bare with me if my 'understanding' of emotions appears elementary and simple because that is where I am at today. It is my hope that by writing this blog, my understanding will grow and deepen

I grew up in a household that did not encourage emotions. Feelings were to be kept inside and not shared. Emotions could lead to explosive and scary behavior. I don't remember my Father telling me he loved me until I was in my thirties. I am not trying to blame anyone here, but I think personal history can help me understand.


I've kept my emotions under wraps for most of my life. I've not allowed myself to feel emotions. In fact, many times I've thought to myself "I don't feel anything. " Oh, anger comes through pretty strong. But other than that, emotions have been missing or limited. I think I have been afraid of them.


Ironically, I'm pretty in tune with other's emotions. I can intuit other's emotions quickly and accurately. I've read that this is a symptom of an adult child of an alcoholic. Children in a dysfunctional family learn quickly that survival depends on an ability to detect the prevailing mood of the home. It prompts them to take a caretaker role and to be concerned with other's emotions more than their own. That's me.

It is my understanding that I have buried my emotions and not allowed them to surface to the level of conscious recognition. That does not mean they do not exist. Feelings are a constant presence, but my heart has held them tight, not allowing them to be released. This must take enormous spiritual energy and I wonder how that has stunted my growth.

One result of repressed emotions is its affect intimacy. My ex lover told me in the recent past that I didn't share my feelings with her. And how could I? I didn't know what they were. If one can't share emotions, are we left with only intellectual discussions? Can that alone be the basis for an intimate relationship? I don't think so.

So what to do?


This past week I decided I was going to learn to feel and to emote. I've never thought of myself as stupid before, but this posed a bit of a challenge. Remember Mr. Spock from Star Trek? His race had no experience with emotion and consequently the idea of emotion was completely foreign to him. I felt a little like that starting out.

So, being the empirical pinhead that I am, I went to GOOGLE and did a search called, "list of emotions" and found the usual 100,000,000 results. I learned that lots of psychology types have classified emotions. I chose a very simple classification that suggests four basic emotions: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Fearful. Although this seemed a bit simplistic, it was an improvement over a previous paradigm I'd heard to describe men's emotional landscape: Angry, hungry, and horny.



Still I wanted more nuance to my emotional experience. Kind of like painting. We can use red, yellow, and blue only, but some of the art lies in the subtleties between the primary colors. I think this is true of emotions as well. So I spent some time identifying types of Mad, shades of Glad and so on. I've printed the list and I have them posted at work, in my car, and around my house. I stop several times a day and ask, "What are you feeling right now?" I know I'll laugh at how stupid this sounds some day. Actually, it sounds pretty stupid today. Nevertheless, I think it is working!! And it has me chuckling - (that is the result of feeling happy)

When I first started trying to feel emotions, I couldn't do it, but after a few days, feelings of remorse, shame, loss, and guilt started to be themselves present. Great, I thought. Just what I need. To fill my day feeling miserable. Fortunately, I had read that oftentimes when one has repressed feelings for sometime, these are the first ones to surface. So I've been patient and brave, letting these emotions out and in. And you know what? Just in the past few days, other more pleasant emotions have begun to emerge. I can feel and identify serenity, elation, and joy.



Two more understandings I want to share. This sounds so trite, I'm embarrassed to write it, but I've learned that it is okay to feel my emotions. Yesterday I began to cry over feelings of guilt and shame and I heard myself say, "Don't cry." I'm sure I've said that to myself a million times, but this was the first time, I thought, "Wait a minute. Don't say that. Say go ahead and cry. Feel, really feel that emotion."


The second understanding is this. Emotions pour through me and move on unless I hold onto them. So, I've been trying to feel and experience the emotion, but not to clench it. It is like an internal body shower. Emotions can wash through me, I feel them, and let them go. Let them pass. This is important because it allows me to feel sad without being sad; I can feel angry without being angry. Feeling an emotion does not make you that emotion. You can feel, watch, and experience the emotion without becoming the emotion.

The questions I can't answer just yet are, when, where, how, and with whom does one share emotional intimacy? Was it wise to not share emotional intimacy with my ex lover because she brought a dishonest element to the relationship from the beginning? Or, if I had been able to be more emotionally open, would she then have felt safe enough to disclose her secret?

For now, I plan to play and revel with my emotions alone. But just as a painter who plays with color must ultimately share his art with others, I understand that we are at our best when we share our emotions with others. I look forward to someday sharing mine.

Thanks for reading.

Mike