An Understanding from Brazil; Sticking with the Winners

One very positive outcome of starting this blog is that I have come to appreciate in greater depth how fortunate I am to have such good friends and family. Most of you not only read my blog, but responded with warmth, love, support and encouragement. That has made me feel very loved and very special. I'm a fortuate man.

Some expressed concern that I take care of myself, to be good to myself, and to take it easy. To that end, I am blogging today from Rio de Jiniero, Brazil. It is overcast today. My room looks over the pool area with the beach and ocean beyond. Rest assured, I'm taking it easy; really really easy.

Harry is a friend from ACOA and he said two weeks ago that he is committed to 'sticking with the winners." He went on to describe that so many people are stuck in denial and are unwilling, unable, or not ready to recognize how damaged they are. They spend their time obsessively focusing on others in order to avoid facing their own hurt and pain. He described a situation where he suggested to a friend who was complaining about a current problem that he might seek some help . The friend had lots of reasons why he couldn't possibly do anything that Harry was suggesting and that Harry's ideas probably wouldn't work anyway. Plus the fellow explained, he was much too busy with work and family and didn't have any time to spend seeking a solution.


Harry called him a 'yes, but' kind of guy. Someone stuck in place, wants to complain, and responds to any suggestions with a 'yes, but' that explains why the recommendation won't work. Harry was determined to avoid these folks and these situations and instead, spend time with people who were aware, present, and willing to work to improve their lives.


I like Harry's concept but I don't like the term 'winner'. It implies that those (of us) who may be stuck, are losers. I like to think we are all on different points of the same path and that there is no contest. There are no winnners or losers. We are all simple travelers.

Harry's description of his situation with his friend reminded me a bit of myself. For some time I too have focused on helping others, being in tune with their problems, trying to be a white knight, trying to rescue people. On the surface, this appears to be a noble quality and in fact, it can be. But not when, one uses that behavior to avoid facing one's own issues.


I recently made a list of several of the women with whom I have had a committed serious relationship. Here are some of the characteristics: a widow whose husband of 20 years had died four months earlier; a divorced woman who discovered her husband was having an affair with her best friend while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer; another who had been a 20 year member of a group described as cult in most literature; and a woman who hid from me that she was still in contact with and carrying a torch for a married alcoholic with whom she had an affair that sort of ended a few months before we began seeing each other.

These women have had difficult relatonships with their own parents, have children with mild to severe emotional distrubance and behavioral issues; money or lack of it is another common thread. One last common thread.......they are all 'yes, but' people. They see life from a viewpoint of scarcity and difficulty. There is an assumption of helplessness in that there is a belief that nothing they can do will help or improve their situation.

I showed the list to a friend who smiled and said, "What does this information say about you?" When I said, 'what do you mean?' he replied, 'Do you think you might aim a little higher?' He was suggesting I stick with the winners.

So what does all this say about me? Why am I attracted to needy and damaged women? Is it because it allows me to feel superior? Maybe it allows me to focus on 'helping' them and avoiding my own issues. I suppose too, it allows me to appear noble and righteous in my efforts to help them.

So what to do? How can I get better?

First I think I continue to spend time alone and thinking about myself. I've been divorced for 15 years. In that time, I don't think two weeks have gone by when I wasn't dating someone. This is the first time in my adult life that I've spent time alone. These last couple of months have allowed to explore emotions I can't ever remember having before. I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.

Next, I'm focused on relating more with my friends who I think have a healthy outlook on life. They eat right, exercise, and lead a well rounded and balanced life. I'm avoiding or spending less time with the angry, the sad, and those in denial. Especially those in denial. I've read that denial is the first step in grieving. It is the easiest step in which to get stuck, because one doesn't realize one is in denial until one is ready to move forward.

I've also tried to relate to my family in ways that focus on healthy components of our realtionship and not get caught up in the difficult parts.

Next, I've enrolled in a weekend retreat at Kripalu titled, 'Embracing the Beloved' and I've begun reading the book that serves as the basis for the retreat. The course is designed to introduce me to the methods one can use a relationship to move further along a spiritual path. When the time comes, I'll be much better at choosing a healthy partner and not make the same mistakes I've made in the past.

Lastly, one of you pointed out that ACOA's don't know how to have fun and that is one symptom I've somehow avoided. And I will continue to take advantage of my strenghts and have fun. To that end, last night I went to the Salgueiro Samba School in Rio de Jineiro. Beginning in August, Samba schools around the city begin practicing their music and dance in preparation for Carnaval. Last night the 'school' was attended by over 1,000 happy dancing people. Young and old alike moving to the hypnotic drum beat of samba. When I left at 3:00 AM, people were still dancing, laughing and singing. You want happy? Come to Rio.



So, in closing I want to be clear I don't see people as winners or losers. We are all just people at different points on our journey. Still it is important for me at this point to be with people,, either as friends or in a romantic relationship who are not in denial and are willing to address the issues that can make them whole, complete and healthy.



Thanks for reading.