Henry James said something like, "What we fear most is life itself."
At 5:45 AM this morning I was driving to the Channel 10 newsroom for an appearance on the morning NBC affiliate business show. It is live and I have been doing it for over 10 years. . At the airport exit and about ten minutes from the station, I started to get nervous. I always do about that point in the trip. "What if I stumble over my words or stutter?" My mind begins to race. "What if I go blank and can't think of what I am to say?"
Well, today I followed those questions with another that went something like, "Yeah, well and then what happens if you do screw up?" The answer was "nothing happens." I suppose there might be a few seconds of dead televison time, but then what? Again, NOTHING HAPPENS.
I understand this to be true in most of the things we worry about. Nothing will happen. And yet, we spend so much time, effort and energy trying to control outcomes. We avoid things for fear that we can't do them well or something will go wrong. We are embarrassed about our lack of ability in some area. We get nervous, we worry, we fret, we attempt to control. All for what? NOTHING. Because not only does anything rarely happen, we can't control the outcome anyway!
And all that fear is really a fear of life itself. Most of the things we fret over are part of life and in reality we have nothing to fear. Instead of fearing today, I watched things unfold. And you know what? Several people have already told me I did a good job. More importantly though, I was able to ENJOY MYSELF HAVING A GOOD TIME. I mean how cool is it to be on live television?
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 24, 2007
Ritual
I know how to live. Eat well, exercise, practice acts of kindness, be grateful, appreciate, turn the other cheek, set boundaries, let go, hang with healthy people or those trying to get healthy. None of this is rocket science. Why then, don't I do it more? I forget. Or maybe more precisely, other stuff gets in the way of my awareness. What helps are small reminders, rituals if you will, to remind me of the importance of living well and what my purpose and meaning are.
Here's a ritual I've learned and like a lot. At night just before I go to bed, I turn my coffee cup over and place it upside down on my kitchen counter. I use that small gesture to remind me that life is impermanent and I take a moment to relish in gratitude of the day I have just lived. I try to recall three things that were special, pleasant, rewarding, or made me smile.
Before I became a 'C' student, I would have listed 10 or 20, categorized them, written them down, or put them in an excel spreadsheet. Now, I just think momentarily of three. That's enough.
In the morning, when I turn the cup over and before I pour coffee into it, I again stop and think of the fleeting time we have here and I anticipate three things I have to look forward to during the day. It might be time at the gym, a surf, a visit, or time alone with my most recent book. I take a moment to be thankful of the abundance in my life.
I read that Tibetan monks do this (they use tea cups, of course) to remind themselves of the impermanence of life in Susan Jeffries book, Embracing Uncertainty.
Namaste
Mike
Here's a ritual I've learned and like a lot. At night just before I go to bed, I turn my coffee cup over and place it upside down on my kitchen counter. I use that small gesture to remind me that life is impermanent and I take a moment to relish in gratitude of the day I have just lived. I try to recall three things that were special, pleasant, rewarding, or made me smile.
Before I became a 'C' student, I would have listed 10 or 20, categorized them, written them down, or put them in an excel spreadsheet. Now, I just think momentarily of three. That's enough.
In the morning, when I turn the cup over and before I pour coffee into it, I again stop and think of the fleeting time we have here and I anticipate three things I have to look forward to during the day. It might be time at the gym, a surf, a visit, or time alone with my most recent book. I take a moment to be thankful of the abundance in my life.
I read that Tibetan monks do this (they use tea cups, of course) to remind themselves of the impermanence of life in Susan Jeffries book, Embracing Uncertainty.
Namaste
Mike
Friday, December 21, 2007
Listening
One of the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) characteristics is that we don't ask for what we need or want. We tend to suffer in silent resentment; play the victim thinking 'well I'm not going to get what I want anyway, so why ask?'; and then we get upset and angry that people don't give us what we want or need. Next, we overreact and those around us are usually surprised because they are not mind readers and had no idea what we wanted because we never told them.
There are two rules at ACOA meetings. One is that stuff you hear there is confidential to the person and two there is no cross talk. Cross talk is defined as commenting on what another says or asking questions. So when someone talks, you just listen. They talk for as long as they want and when they finish you say 'thanks.' There is no obligation to talk; some people talk a lot; others don't talk at all.
I'm amazed though at the power of talking and knowing that no one will say anything when I am finished. It is unique in my experience and extraordinary. It allows me to think out loud in a particular way that I can't do anywhere else. Further when someone else talks, it forces me to listen, really listen, to what they are saying. I'm not formulating in my head what I am going to say when they are finished because I'm not going to say anything. I wonder if couples would benefit from this periodically.
Last night we talked about asking for what we need and how this is a difficulty we face. One woman said she doesn't ask for anything anymore. She had only wanted one thing in life and that was to have a family. After a few years of trying and a difficult marriage she, being Catholic, applied for an annulment and found out from a priest that her husband had lied to her and had had a vasectomy and never told her. This incident occurred over 30 years ago and as she told the story, I don't think I've ever seen anyone in so much emotional pain. No one in the room moved or maybe even breathed as she told her story. She never, ever had children and she began to cry as she told the story saying that she hadn't cried for years and years. It was just heartbreaking. Now she says she never asks for anything because she knows she won't get it.
I'm not sure what understanding I took away from this.
Was it to treat people with kindness because they may have experienced such pain in their life we can't even fathom it?
Was it to not give up asking for what I need and setting boundaries in terms of what I'll tolerate?
Was it that we all need to be honest with one another?
Was it the importance of forgiving and letting go?
I gave her a long hug before I left the meeting.
I wonder if it helped.
thanks for reading.
There are two rules at ACOA meetings. One is that stuff you hear there is confidential to the person and two there is no cross talk. Cross talk is defined as commenting on what another says or asking questions. So when someone talks, you just listen. They talk for as long as they want and when they finish you say 'thanks.' There is no obligation to talk; some people talk a lot; others don't talk at all.
I'm amazed though at the power of talking and knowing that no one will say anything when I am finished. It is unique in my experience and extraordinary. It allows me to think out loud in a particular way that I can't do anywhere else. Further when someone else talks, it forces me to listen, really listen, to what they are saying. I'm not formulating in my head what I am going to say when they are finished because I'm not going to say anything. I wonder if couples would benefit from this periodically.
Last night we talked about asking for what we need and how this is a difficulty we face. One woman said she doesn't ask for anything anymore. She had only wanted one thing in life and that was to have a family. After a few years of trying and a difficult marriage she, being Catholic, applied for an annulment and found out from a priest that her husband had lied to her and had had a vasectomy and never told her. This incident occurred over 30 years ago and as she told the story, I don't think I've ever seen anyone in so much emotional pain. No one in the room moved or maybe even breathed as she told her story. She never, ever had children and she began to cry as she told the story saying that she hadn't cried for years and years. It was just heartbreaking. Now she says she never asks for anything because she knows she won't get it.
I'm not sure what understanding I took away from this.
Was it to treat people with kindness because they may have experienced such pain in their life we can't even fathom it?
Was it to not give up asking for what I need and setting boundaries in terms of what I'll tolerate?
Was it that we all need to be honest with one another?
Was it the importance of forgiving and letting go?
I gave her a long hug before I left the meeting.
I wonder if it helped.
thanks for reading.
Monday, December 17, 2007
nurturing
I worked on nurturing myself today. I think most days I take it easy on myself. I try to give myself what I need. But I think one can be giving without being nurturing. I can give myself a break, but not in a warm and suportive way. Nurturing requires support and encouragement; not simple giving. Further, you have to nurture yourself before you can nurture others.
I wasn't raised on a lot of nurturance. You did what you had to do on your own and often before you were ready to do it. There wasn't a lot of warm support and encouragement in my house.
I'm a generous person, but may not be a particularly nurturing one. I realize now, that being nurturing means to give with a gentle spirit, a genuine smile, a nice word and a soft and warm touch of encouragment. I can give someone the right of way while driving with an exasperated sigh and an impatient wave of my hand. Or, I can smile and wave with an 'after you' opening of my hand. I can give my son money for school and say, "here, this is for you." or I can put my arm around him and hug him and say, "here I want you to have this.' In both instances, I'm giving, but only in the latter am I being nurtrant.
I think nurturance runs on a continuum. One is not simply nurturant or not nurturant. One is more or less nurturant. I'm becoming more nurturant. With myself and others.
Thanks for reading.
I wasn't raised on a lot of nurturance. You did what you had to do on your own and often before you were ready to do it. There wasn't a lot of warm support and encouragement in my house.
I'm a generous person, but may not be a particularly nurturing one. I realize now, that being nurturing means to give with a gentle spirit, a genuine smile, a nice word and a soft and warm touch of encouragment. I can give someone the right of way while driving with an exasperated sigh and an impatient wave of my hand. Or, I can smile and wave with an 'after you' opening of my hand. I can give my son money for school and say, "here, this is for you." or I can put my arm around him and hug him and say, "here I want you to have this.' In both instances, I'm giving, but only in the latter am I being nurtrant.
I think nurturance runs on a continuum. One is not simply nurturant or not nurturant. One is more or less nurturant. I'm becoming more nurturant. With myself and others.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
The Tao of Zydeco
If one purpose of a spiritual practice is to develop a sense of connection with oneself, other people, the world and the universe, dancing to zydeco has got to help.
Last night's zydeco dance was so much fun. I talked with friends, danced with pretty girls in swishy skirts, ate great food, laughed and sweated. Lots of sweat.
For the first time last night, I recognized how dancing may be part of a spiritual practice too. I'm practicing to be aware of my body and not simply use my body to transport my head. Yoga helps put one in touch with one's body; to explore one's body; and to learn how one's body is connected to one's spirit, heart, and head
When I'm dancing, my spirit, my heart, and my head as well as my body enters into it. I can feel the rhythm of zydeco music in every part of my body. Sometimes I'll play with it and think, 'okay, now feel it in your left calf; now feel in your elbows" and I'll let the music move my body. When I'm really in sync, the music and the rhythm take over; I don't think or control, the music does that.
Zydeco is a social dance, so you do all this with a partner and that helps my spiritual practice on a social level in that I am connecting with my dance partner in a very special way. Courtesy, gentleness, grace, harmony are all practiced to music. Compassion for those who are learning is great practice. Keeping my ego and not getting a big head because pretty women ask me to dance with come hither looks is great practice. I'm not particularly good at that yet, by the way. :) I need lots more practice there.
The music is a blend of African, Caribbean, and Cajun rhythms illustrating that white, black and colored people are all connected so there is this sense that people of the world have all worked together to create this wonderful experience.
When I do Kundalini meditation, I try to feel the energy from the earth and pull it through my spine to my head. When I dance to zydeco music the rhythm comes through the floor and fills my entire body and head.
You know what though? words sort of ruin the experience. Maybe there are some things that cannot be spoken of. They need to be experienced.
If you open this this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFL_34zE_jM and listen and watch, it may give you a better idea of what I'm trying to say. Watch your body start to move to the music, feel the smile on your face, see a room full of people sharing the same experience, sense the pure joy that is coming out of that room. Is that not spiritual practice?
Thanks for reading AND listening.
Mike
Last night's zydeco dance was so much fun. I talked with friends, danced with pretty girls in swishy skirts, ate great food, laughed and sweated. Lots of sweat.
For the first time last night, I recognized how dancing may be part of a spiritual practice too. I'm practicing to be aware of my body and not simply use my body to transport my head. Yoga helps put one in touch with one's body; to explore one's body; and to learn how one's body is connected to one's spirit, heart, and head
When I'm dancing, my spirit, my heart, and my head as well as my body enters into it. I can feel the rhythm of zydeco music in every part of my body. Sometimes I'll play with it and think, 'okay, now feel it in your left calf; now feel in your elbows" and I'll let the music move my body. When I'm really in sync, the music and the rhythm take over; I don't think or control, the music does that.
Zydeco is a social dance, so you do all this with a partner and that helps my spiritual practice on a social level in that I am connecting with my dance partner in a very special way. Courtesy, gentleness, grace, harmony are all practiced to music. Compassion for those who are learning is great practice. Keeping my ego and not getting a big head because pretty women ask me to dance with come hither looks is great practice. I'm not particularly good at that yet, by the way. :) I need lots more practice there.
The music is a blend of African, Caribbean, and Cajun rhythms illustrating that white, black and colored people are all connected so there is this sense that people of the world have all worked together to create this wonderful experience.
When I do Kundalini meditation, I try to feel the energy from the earth and pull it through my spine to my head. When I dance to zydeco music the rhythm comes through the floor and fills my entire body and head.
You know what though? words sort of ruin the experience. Maybe there are some things that cannot be spoken of. They need to be experienced.
If you open this this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFL_34zE_jM and listen and watch, it may give you a better idea of what I'm trying to say. Watch your body start to move to the music, feel the smile on your face, see a room full of people sharing the same experience, sense the pure joy that is coming out of that room. Is that not spiritual practice?
Thanks for reading AND listening.
Mike
Friday, December 14, 2007
Progress, not perfection
Several of you have commented that I am being too hard on myself. And me being me, I denied that. "Well they only see a part of me in these blogs" I thought. The rest of the time, I'm not too hard on myself.
I went to the yoga and meditation retreat at Kripalu and as I was going into one of the first yoga poses and thinking, "I don't know if I can still do this as well as I used to be able to" the teacher said, "why don't you all try to get a 'c' in this class?" "Don't try to learn everything, just take a few things home with you." When we were meditating the teacher commented that after thirty years of meditating her mind still scampered around like a puppy and she was still 'practicing' the art of meditation.
My friend Harry likes to use those ACOA slogans and one he uses a lot is "progress, not perfection."
So finally the message has begun to sink in- it might be a good idea to aim for a 'c'; it might be a good idea to accept progress and not aim for perfection; it might be a good idea to lighten up on myself and to embrace my imperfection.
Sometimes such simple ideas have such profound results. Embracing imperfection not only allows me to make mistakes and to forgive myself , it allows me to be more aware of my errors and foibles and to address them. Lately when I make a mistake, I think 'okay what can I learn from this?" and I'm less and less upset with myself over the mistake.
Since Kripalu, I've done yoga and meditated every day. I've gone through long periods of doing these two over the years. The difference now though is I no longer feel I have to look like the yoga model in the textbook. It is okay if my hand is not flat on the floor when I do a stretch. But more importantly, instead of stressing on the perfection of the pose, I can focus my attention on the spiritual aspects of yoga and learn more about my body and how I am connected to this universe.
It is the same with meditation. In the past, I would get so frustrated with my mind scampering all over the place, that I would just quit, saying "I can't do this." Well they don't call it a 'meditation practice' for no reason. When I meditate, it is just that a 'practice'. Embracing my imperfection allows me to gently and softly take my mind by the hand when it wanders and bring it back to my breathing or the focus of that particular meditation. And not getting angry or frustrated about it, makes me aware of the benefits of meditation and thus, I keep doing it.
By the way, one meditation I do is called a metta meditation. Many of you probably know it. But it is a meditation in which you bless yourself and others with peace, contentment, serenity, grace, harmony and so on. I include each of you in each of those metta meditations as a way to thank for your reading and responses.
Embracing imperfection in myself allows me to embrace it in others. We were talking last night about school costs and my brother asked me how much my Dad gave me for college and I knew the answer immediately, "thirty five dollars" I replied. Not exactly generous, but he comes with his own agenda. We all do. I can get mad at 'S' for not telling me about her cult. I can get angry with 'K' not telling me she was in love with a married guy. I can get mad at my dad for being cheap. Or I can recognize that we all come with an agenda. None of us is perfect and let it go at that. In my opinion, when people lie, cheat, sneak, or are cheap and cruel they are afraid. They are afraid of their own imperfection and they are afraid that others will see and recognize their imperfection so they behave in ways to deny to themselves that there might be a problem.
I'm not suggesting anything goes. I think we have an obligation to ourselves and each to be honest, compassionate, and make an attempt to improve. I think too though that focusing on progress and letting go of a goal of perfection makes it easier for us to be good human beings. It makes it easier to make progress.
And I think I'm making progress and that is good enough for me.
Thanks for reading.
I went to the yoga and meditation retreat at Kripalu and as I was going into one of the first yoga poses and thinking, "I don't know if I can still do this as well as I used to be able to" the teacher said, "why don't you all try to get a 'c' in this class?" "Don't try to learn everything, just take a few things home with you." When we were meditating the teacher commented that after thirty years of meditating her mind still scampered around like a puppy and she was still 'practicing' the art of meditation.
My friend Harry likes to use those ACOA slogans and one he uses a lot is "progress, not perfection."
So finally the message has begun to sink in- it might be a good idea to aim for a 'c'; it might be a good idea to accept progress and not aim for perfection; it might be a good idea to lighten up on myself and to embrace my imperfection.
Sometimes such simple ideas have such profound results. Embracing imperfection not only allows me to make mistakes and to forgive myself , it allows me to be more aware of my errors and foibles and to address them. Lately when I make a mistake, I think 'okay what can I learn from this?" and I'm less and less upset with myself over the mistake.
Since Kripalu, I've done yoga and meditated every day. I've gone through long periods of doing these two over the years. The difference now though is I no longer feel I have to look like the yoga model in the textbook. It is okay if my hand is not flat on the floor when I do a stretch. But more importantly, instead of stressing on the perfection of the pose, I can focus my attention on the spiritual aspects of yoga and learn more about my body and how I am connected to this universe.
It is the same with meditation. In the past, I would get so frustrated with my mind scampering all over the place, that I would just quit, saying "I can't do this." Well they don't call it a 'meditation practice' for no reason. When I meditate, it is just that a 'practice'. Embracing my imperfection allows me to gently and softly take my mind by the hand when it wanders and bring it back to my breathing or the focus of that particular meditation. And not getting angry or frustrated about it, makes me aware of the benefits of meditation and thus, I keep doing it.
By the way, one meditation I do is called a metta meditation. Many of you probably know it. But it is a meditation in which you bless yourself and others with peace, contentment, serenity, grace, harmony and so on. I include each of you in each of those metta meditations as a way to thank for your reading and responses.
Embracing imperfection in myself allows me to embrace it in others. We were talking last night about school costs and my brother asked me how much my Dad gave me for college and I knew the answer immediately, "thirty five dollars" I replied. Not exactly generous, but he comes with his own agenda. We all do. I can get mad at 'S' for not telling me about her cult. I can get angry with 'K' not telling me she was in love with a married guy. I can get mad at my dad for being cheap. Or I can recognize that we all come with an agenda. None of us is perfect and let it go at that. In my opinion, when people lie, cheat, sneak, or are cheap and cruel they are afraid. They are afraid of their own imperfection and they are afraid that others will see and recognize their imperfection so they behave in ways to deny to themselves that there might be a problem.
I'm not suggesting anything goes. I think we have an obligation to ourselves and each to be honest, compassionate, and make an attempt to improve. I think too though that focusing on progress and letting go of a goal of perfection makes it easier for us to be good human beings. It makes it easier to make progress.
And I think I'm making progress and that is good enough for me.
Thanks for reading.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thirty days; three understandings
I’ve been writing this blog for about a month now. During that time I have also been attending ACOA meetings and reading and focusing on daily meditations from Melanie Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go as well as The Language of Tao (I can’t recall the author’s name). I’ve read several books on personal growth too. As a result, I’ve come to understand a few things and I want to share them.
First, personal growth is a huge undertaking. I think learning about yourself is vast and takes a lifetime. It is like learning to surf, or about wine, or learning a new language. When you begin and you have learned just a little bit, you run the risk of thinking you’ve mastered your subject. It is only with time and more learning that you realize how little you really know and much further you have to go. A lifetime to go.
I preface my comments here by admitting how ‘green’ I am at this because I want to make sure I realize that current understandings are just that….current and simple understandings.
I don’t know anything.
I expect and hope that these understandings will change and grow over time.
On the other hand, I don’t want to trivialize what I’ve learned. I believe these understandings are basic and fundamental, but true and strong. I believe in them and have faith that they will stand the test of time and scrutiny.
Letting go is my first understanding. What do I have to let go of? I am not sure, but it may be everything. In her book, Beattie lists the following things to let go of – anger, being a victim, chaos, confusion, denial, fear, fear of abandonment, guilt, naivete, need to control, old beliefs, perfection, resistance, sadness, self criticism, self-doubt, shame, the past, those not in recovery, timing, urgency, what we want, and worry. Whew!
Letting go is allowing life to unfold without an attempt to control the outcome. Letting go requires a belief that things always work out for the best.
When I let go, I can be here now and appreciate the moment. When I let go, I can feel calm and serene. When I let go, I don’t have to plan. When I let go, I don’t have to worry. When I let go, I don’t have to suppose, fret, question, examine, or review.
I can simply observe, feel and be.
The second fundamental I have come to understand is the importance of gratitude. This is actually not a new one for me. I have had the great fortune of having had two major and serious illnesses in my life. When I was 22 I spent a year recuperating from hepatitis. When I was 31 I contracted sarcoidosis (I know I’d never heard of it either) and had to have lung surgery and have a pacemaker implanted. Again, it took a year to recover.
Both of those illnesses made me realize how much just simple, good health meant. After spending weeks in the hospital, I remember being so grateful in having the strength to get out of bed and simply sit outside and feel the sunshine.
Those illnesses had a profound effect on me in terms of gratitude. I became more appreciative of what I have. It made me aware that each and every day, no matter how mundane or hard is a very special gift. Gratitude is my way of saying thank you for that gift.
Gratitude has a diffusing quality. When I am upset or angry, I can stop and think, “what is good about this situation?” or ‘things could always be worse” and suddenly things don’t seem so bad.
Gratitude is a magical tool. It can turn frustration into satisfaction; turn failure into success; anger into serenity; denial into acceptance.
The third understanding I have is that I need to practice. I already have the tools to live a healthy productive life. What I need to keep in mind is that I need to use these tools every day. Practice allows me to get better at letting go and feeling gratitude. More importantly, practice makes the responses of letting go and feeling gratitude automatic so that when circumstances are challenging my first response is to use these tools……letting go and gratitude.
So thanks for reading.
First, personal growth is a huge undertaking. I think learning about yourself is vast and takes a lifetime. It is like learning to surf, or about wine, or learning a new language. When you begin and you have learned just a little bit, you run the risk of thinking you’ve mastered your subject. It is only with time and more learning that you realize how little you really know and much further you have to go. A lifetime to go.
I preface my comments here by admitting how ‘green’ I am at this because I want to make sure I realize that current understandings are just that….current and simple understandings.
I don’t know anything.
I expect and hope that these understandings will change and grow over time.
On the other hand, I don’t want to trivialize what I’ve learned. I believe these understandings are basic and fundamental, but true and strong. I believe in them and have faith that they will stand the test of time and scrutiny.
Letting go is my first understanding. What do I have to let go of? I am not sure, but it may be everything. In her book, Beattie lists the following things to let go of – anger, being a victim, chaos, confusion, denial, fear, fear of abandonment, guilt, naivete, need to control, old beliefs, perfection, resistance, sadness, self criticism, self-doubt, shame, the past, those not in recovery, timing, urgency, what we want, and worry. Whew!
Letting go is allowing life to unfold without an attempt to control the outcome. Letting go requires a belief that things always work out for the best.
When I let go, I can be here now and appreciate the moment. When I let go, I can feel calm and serene. When I let go, I don’t have to plan. When I let go, I don’t have to worry. When I let go, I don’t have to suppose, fret, question, examine, or review.
I can simply observe, feel and be.
The second fundamental I have come to understand is the importance of gratitude. This is actually not a new one for me. I have had the great fortune of having had two major and serious illnesses in my life. When I was 22 I spent a year recuperating from hepatitis. When I was 31 I contracted sarcoidosis (I know I’d never heard of it either) and had to have lung surgery and have a pacemaker implanted. Again, it took a year to recover.
Both of those illnesses made me realize how much just simple, good health meant. After spending weeks in the hospital, I remember being so grateful in having the strength to get out of bed and simply sit outside and feel the sunshine.
Those illnesses had a profound effect on me in terms of gratitude. I became more appreciative of what I have. It made me aware that each and every day, no matter how mundane or hard is a very special gift. Gratitude is my way of saying thank you for that gift.
Gratitude has a diffusing quality. When I am upset or angry, I can stop and think, “what is good about this situation?” or ‘things could always be worse” and suddenly things don’t seem so bad.
Gratitude is a magical tool. It can turn frustration into satisfaction; turn failure into success; anger into serenity; denial into acceptance.
The third understanding I have is that I need to practice. I already have the tools to live a healthy productive life. What I need to keep in mind is that I need to use these tools every day. Practice allows me to get better at letting go and feeling gratitude. More importantly, practice makes the responses of letting go and feeling gratitude automatic so that when circumstances are challenging my first response is to use these tools……letting go and gratitude.
So thanks for reading.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The next right thing
I met with someone on this distribution list yesterday and we both marveled at the power of letting go, accepting, and not resisting. In the conversation, she said the other thing that has been so powerful for her is 'doing the next right thing.' I think Buddha talks about 'right speech' and 'right talk'. Both, I understand to mean that we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to act right and to do the right thing.
The notion of forgiveness keeps coming up for me when I think of the 'next right thing'. I understand forgiveness to be putting an end to unfinished business. In a way, it too is letting go. Letting go of resentment, hurt, and pride. It expects nothing in return. And it allows hurt to be replaced with kindness; pride to be replaced with love.
I understand desire to lead to frustration to lead to anger to lead to resentment. Letting go breaks the chain.
So how to forgive? I think it is like going to the track for a run. You don't show up the first day and run 10 miles.... well I don't anyway. You start small and run a short distance and you gradually build it up. So too with forgiveness. You forgive (yourself and others) for small hurts and gradually work up to the bigger and more important ones. Both are accomplished with lots of practice.
I understand too, that you forgive the person, not the action. Lying and deceit hurt others. I don't intend to forgive the action, I want forgive the person.
So how do I do this? I've been practicing a meditation in which I open my heart and bring the person, sometimes myself and sometimes another, into my heart and say, "I forgive you. I forgive you for whatever you have done to hurt me in the past. It may have been caused by your mistrust, your anger, your fear. I forgive you. I hold no resentment toward you.' And I just let all anger stuff go and bring in warm love, mercy and kindness.
Then, I imagine someone I've hurt and bring them into my heart and and I ask for mercy, forgiveness and kindness. I try to pay attention to the blocks to my own heart and try to open it up and be brave and fearless in accepting their mercy.
Clearly all of this takes time and practice. But I believe it works. Having a heart filled with mercy, love, and kindness is so much better than having one filled with anger and resentment.
So I keep practicing and hope that someday I'll understand it all. Kind of like tasting wine. Someday I'll recognize the smell of apple blossoms in a fine Cabernet, until then I'll keep faking it.
Thanks for reading.
The notion of forgiveness keeps coming up for me when I think of the 'next right thing'. I understand forgiveness to be putting an end to unfinished business. In a way, it too is letting go. Letting go of resentment, hurt, and pride. It expects nothing in return. And it allows hurt to be replaced with kindness; pride to be replaced with love.
I understand desire to lead to frustration to lead to anger to lead to resentment. Letting go breaks the chain.
So how to forgive? I think it is like going to the track for a run. You don't show up the first day and run 10 miles.... well I don't anyway. You start small and run a short distance and you gradually build it up. So too with forgiveness. You forgive (yourself and others) for small hurts and gradually work up to the bigger and more important ones. Both are accomplished with lots of practice.
I understand too, that you forgive the person, not the action. Lying and deceit hurt others. I don't intend to forgive the action, I want forgive the person.
So how do I do this? I've been practicing a meditation in which I open my heart and bring the person, sometimes myself and sometimes another, into my heart and say, "I forgive you. I forgive you for whatever you have done to hurt me in the past. It may have been caused by your mistrust, your anger, your fear. I forgive you. I hold no resentment toward you.' And I just let all anger stuff go and bring in warm love, mercy and kindness.
Then, I imagine someone I've hurt and bring them into my heart and and I ask for mercy, forgiveness and kindness. I try to pay attention to the blocks to my own heart and try to open it up and be brave and fearless in accepting their mercy.
Clearly all of this takes time and practice. But I believe it works. Having a heart filled with mercy, love, and kindness is so much better than having one filled with anger and resentment.
So I keep practicing and hope that someday I'll understand it all. Kind of like tasting wine. Someday I'll recognize the smell of apple blossoms in a fine Cabernet, until then I'll keep faking it.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Losing Control can be a good thing
I've been writing these blogs after giving considerable thought to the content or issue before putting into words. Today, in light of the topic, I thought I might 'let go' a bit and write without knowing where I'm really heading with this. I'll go back and edit when I'm done so I hope it won't be rambling and confused.
Several of my readings suggest that control is a core issue for Adult Children. The need for control stems from the fear of living in an out of control home as young children. As adults, they need to control behavior and emotions in themselves and others for fear that things can quickly get out of control otherwise. Control seems to be an all or nothing concept. Either one is in control or out of control. There is no grey scale.
There are obvious control methods such as manipulation, false kindness, and passive aggressive behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior is another example of one trying to maintain control.
Many control others from the point of view of martyrdom. Here one controls another by enabling the other's dysfunction - running errands, paying bills, meeting with teachers and counselors. The martyr convinces himself he is doing this all for the other, but in reality keeping the other sick allows the martyr to control the situation. Being the martyr also provides a handy excuse from taking a closer look at oneself. We can push away any suggestions to look more closely at ourselves because we don't want to take the focus off the other.
In my past, I think I've modified the martyr into the 'white knight'. I was the guy who would save the damsel in distress. I've spent a lot of time in relationships 'helping' someone with her financial and emotional distress; counseling on her children's behavior and so on. Some of this is healthy of course. Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time. It is when it becomes a pattern a behavior and the foundation of a relationship when it is unhealthy. It also allowed me not to look at myself very closely because I was too busy 'helping' my partner.
I think I made some strides in this area in recent years, when I learned that I could offer help but not be caught up in the drama of the situation and realizing that the situation was not critical or dire. Often my partners would respond to the normal everyday trials of life with excessive drama. For a long time, I allowed myself to get caught up in the drama while I was acting like the martyr or white knight. More recently though, I learned to sort of detach emotionally. I was still playing the role, but it was from a dispassionate distance. So I think that was a step in the right direction. But I think too, I can appear cold and hard.
In fact, I was most recently criticized for 'not being nurturing' and I think that was a response to my distancing myself emotionally from the supposed 'crisis'. I would listen with sympathy and offer to help, but wouldn't confirm the other's belief that the situation was critical. I've learned that 'dramatists' don't like that. They want you to get caught up in the distress emotionally because it confirms their own sick thinking. If you remain calm and objective while trying to address a problem while they are spinning out of control, it takes the fun out of it. So I think I've learned something. I think it is healthy to help someone; healthy to show supportive emotion; but also healthy to set boundaries and be able to say something like, "Look, I know this important to you and I want to help and I can see how distressing it is, but......you are spinning this way out of proportion. This is not the end of the world. I'll give you my help, but I am not going to allow this problem to consume me."
Of course, I can reverse roles too. When things were ending in this past relationship, I was the one spinning out of control. The ex was the one who disassociated and remained calm. I was the one who thought it was a crisis, wanted to work on solving the problem, tried to change things and so on. She took a more measured approach to see how things would turn out.
I think much of the time, I don't work too hard at maintaining control. I'm good most of the time with work, with my son, and with my friends and the rest of my life. When things get difficult, is when my control mechanisms kick in. When I'm surprised by something or criticized, I want to get control back. When i feel abandoned I want control. Day to day though, I think I kind of let the control issue relax.
The control issue is nicely tied to letting go. One can't 'let go' and 'be in control' at the same time. So, as I continue to practice letting go, I will spend less time trying to be in control.
Being in control is way too much work. Letting go is not only less work, its more fun.
thanks for reading
Several of my readings suggest that control is a core issue for Adult Children. The need for control stems from the fear of living in an out of control home as young children. As adults, they need to control behavior and emotions in themselves and others for fear that things can quickly get out of control otherwise. Control seems to be an all or nothing concept. Either one is in control or out of control. There is no grey scale.
There are obvious control methods such as manipulation, false kindness, and passive aggressive behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior is another example of one trying to maintain control.
Many control others from the point of view of martyrdom. Here one controls another by enabling the other's dysfunction - running errands, paying bills, meeting with teachers and counselors. The martyr convinces himself he is doing this all for the other, but in reality keeping the other sick allows the martyr to control the situation. Being the martyr also provides a handy excuse from taking a closer look at oneself. We can push away any suggestions to look more closely at ourselves because we don't want to take the focus off the other.
In my past, I think I've modified the martyr into the 'white knight'. I was the guy who would save the damsel in distress. I've spent a lot of time in relationships 'helping' someone with her financial and emotional distress; counseling on her children's behavior and so on. Some of this is healthy of course. Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time. It is when it becomes a pattern a behavior and the foundation of a relationship when it is unhealthy. It also allowed me not to look at myself very closely because I was too busy 'helping' my partner.
I think I made some strides in this area in recent years, when I learned that I could offer help but not be caught up in the drama of the situation and realizing that the situation was not critical or dire. Often my partners would respond to the normal everyday trials of life with excessive drama. For a long time, I allowed myself to get caught up in the drama while I was acting like the martyr or white knight. More recently though, I learned to sort of detach emotionally. I was still playing the role, but it was from a dispassionate distance. So I think that was a step in the right direction. But I think too, I can appear cold and hard.
In fact, I was most recently criticized for 'not being nurturing' and I think that was a response to my distancing myself emotionally from the supposed 'crisis'. I would listen with sympathy and offer to help, but wouldn't confirm the other's belief that the situation was critical. I've learned that 'dramatists' don't like that. They want you to get caught up in the distress emotionally because it confirms their own sick thinking. If you remain calm and objective while trying to address a problem while they are spinning out of control, it takes the fun out of it. So I think I've learned something. I think it is healthy to help someone; healthy to show supportive emotion; but also healthy to set boundaries and be able to say something like, "Look, I know this important to you and I want to help and I can see how distressing it is, but......you are spinning this way out of proportion. This is not the end of the world. I'll give you my help, but I am not going to allow this problem to consume me."
Of course, I can reverse roles too. When things were ending in this past relationship, I was the one spinning out of control. The ex was the one who disassociated and remained calm. I was the one who thought it was a crisis, wanted to work on solving the problem, tried to change things and so on. She took a more measured approach to see how things would turn out.
I think much of the time, I don't work too hard at maintaining control. I'm good most of the time with work, with my son, and with my friends and the rest of my life. When things get difficult, is when my control mechanisms kick in. When I'm surprised by something or criticized, I want to get control back. When i feel abandoned I want control. Day to day though, I think I kind of let the control issue relax.
The control issue is nicely tied to letting go. One can't 'let go' and 'be in control' at the same time. So, as I continue to practice letting go, I will spend less time trying to be in control.
Being in control is way too much work. Letting go is not only less work, its more fun.
thanks for reading
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Acceptance
I played junior varsity basketball for my high school team when I was in the 10th grade. Our coach took a bunch of mediocre players all the way to the state finals. We lost. But I learned the importance of basics and fundamentals.
I learned that if you simply box out your opponent, even at 5’ 8” you can most often get the rebound. I learned that if you cut off the baseline and force your opponent into the center of the court, you can get help from your teammates. Hold your palm up, not down, on a layup and you add 5 inches to your release.
Coach wouldn’t let us dribble behind our back or showboat in any way. Stick to the fundamentals and you will be fine he kept telling us.
I since learned that sound fundamentals won’t always win you the championship, but they will take you pretty far.
Two life fundamentals I’m working on are acceptance and gratitude. These two help fear, anger, loneliness, sadness and just about anything else life throws at me.
Acceptance for me is letting go; not resisting; seeing what is, rather than what I think it is. I really like it because it brings an immediate response of serenity. When I let go, I don’t have to do anything except watch and wait to see what happens next. It is ironic because I feel empowered by letting go. I think serenity is my favorite emotion these days.
I was watching a special on the Wall Street journalist, Daniel Pearl who was murdered in Iraq. At the end of the program, they interviewed his wife and they asked her if she was angry over her husband’s murder. And she said something like, One can’t be happy until one stops resisting. I think a big part of acceptance is to stop resisting.
One of the hardest things for me to accept is when someone turns out to be not who I thought them to be. I’m not talking about the sort of image we project onto people through our own filter. Rather, I’m referring to the huge sense of betrayal and loss of faith and trust when someone deceives you and lies to you. There is that immediate surging denial response that says, “NO, that can’t be. This person would not treat me like that. This person loves me.” Anger raises its ugly head next.
Anger can be so much fun. You can be all self righteous and imagine all these great scenarios where you tell the other person off. Seriously, though anger is such a waste of time. Each minute you spend angry is one minute of happiness or serenity that you have forfeited. Sadness and bargaining follow but then ultimately you come to accept the other person for who they truly are.
For me, acceptance is not a resignation. It is almost void of emotion. There is more of a quiet serenity. Kind of that is the way it is, and so be it. I get comfortable with the understanding.
One needs to be careful not to avoid accepting and adapting. If I am being abused by being lied to and deceived, I can’t accept that. If as happened to me recently, the person can’t or won’t stop lying, I need to accept that and move on.
I should note that acceptance can come and go. I can be serene about being mistreated one day and be angry the next.
The good news though is I can practice acceptance; practice letting go; practice not resisting, practice having no demands and the times of serenity become longer and occur more often; The periods of anger, denial and sadness get shorter and less frequent.
Maybe that is enough for today. I’ll talk about gratitude in another blog.
Thanks for reading .
I learned that if you simply box out your opponent, even at 5’ 8” you can most often get the rebound. I learned that if you cut off the baseline and force your opponent into the center of the court, you can get help from your teammates. Hold your palm up, not down, on a layup and you add 5 inches to your release.
Coach wouldn’t let us dribble behind our back or showboat in any way. Stick to the fundamentals and you will be fine he kept telling us.
I since learned that sound fundamentals won’t always win you the championship, but they will take you pretty far.
Two life fundamentals I’m working on are acceptance and gratitude. These two help fear, anger, loneliness, sadness and just about anything else life throws at me.
Acceptance for me is letting go; not resisting; seeing what is, rather than what I think it is. I really like it because it brings an immediate response of serenity. When I let go, I don’t have to do anything except watch and wait to see what happens next. It is ironic because I feel empowered by letting go. I think serenity is my favorite emotion these days.
I was watching a special on the Wall Street journalist, Daniel Pearl who was murdered in Iraq. At the end of the program, they interviewed his wife and they asked her if she was angry over her husband’s murder. And she said something like, One can’t be happy until one stops resisting. I think a big part of acceptance is to stop resisting.
One of the hardest things for me to accept is when someone turns out to be not who I thought them to be. I’m not talking about the sort of image we project onto people through our own filter. Rather, I’m referring to the huge sense of betrayal and loss of faith and trust when someone deceives you and lies to you. There is that immediate surging denial response that says, “NO, that can’t be. This person would not treat me like that. This person loves me.” Anger raises its ugly head next.
Anger can be so much fun. You can be all self righteous and imagine all these great scenarios where you tell the other person off. Seriously, though anger is such a waste of time. Each minute you spend angry is one minute of happiness or serenity that you have forfeited. Sadness and bargaining follow but then ultimately you come to accept the other person for who they truly are.
For me, acceptance is not a resignation. It is almost void of emotion. There is more of a quiet serenity. Kind of that is the way it is, and so be it. I get comfortable with the understanding.
One needs to be careful not to avoid accepting and adapting. If I am being abused by being lied to and deceived, I can’t accept that. If as happened to me recently, the person can’t or won’t stop lying, I need to accept that and move on.
I should note that acceptance can come and go. I can be serene about being mistreated one day and be angry the next.
The good news though is I can practice acceptance; practice letting go; practice not resisting, practice having no demands and the times of serenity become longer and occur more often; The periods of anger, denial and sadness get shorter and less frequent.
Maybe that is enough for today. I’ll talk about gratitude in another blog.
Thanks for reading .
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
GOOD GRIEF
This grieving stuff is difficult. Denial, feelings of sadness, anger, and then bargaining - thinking of things I can do or should have done to make it all right. When the hell does acceptance finally get here?
I don't know if I have ever grieved with awareness before. I think I suppressed the emotions, ignored them, or numbed myself with sugar, television or alcohol.
But this time I'm driving through with eyes and heart wide open. And ouch it hurts. I do have faith though that I'll be a better person when I finish with it because I will have learned something about myself.
I had read about the grieving process and the work done by Kubler Ross years ago. About how grieving goes through stages. What I didn't realize is that the stages all sort of happen at once. I'll feel angry for awhile; then I'm sad; then I think of an idea about how I can make things right. I want to call her and ask how her grieving is going or if she is grieving at all? I go around and around.
I'm happy though that I at least can recognize and identify what is going on in me. That helps a lot. And I'm not in denial. Or at least I don't think I'm in denial. If you say you are not in denial, doesn't that suggest you are in denial? God this is all so confusing.
And I'm not grieving constantly. That comes and goes too. It does help to share it with you all so thanks for reading
I don't know if I have ever grieved with awareness before. I think I suppressed the emotions, ignored them, or numbed myself with sugar, television or alcohol.
But this time I'm driving through with eyes and heart wide open. And ouch it hurts. I do have faith though that I'll be a better person when I finish with it because I will have learned something about myself.
I had read about the grieving process and the work done by Kubler Ross years ago. About how grieving goes through stages. What I didn't realize is that the stages all sort of happen at once. I'll feel angry for awhile; then I'm sad; then I think of an idea about how I can make things right. I want to call her and ask how her grieving is going or if she is grieving at all? I go around and around.
I'm happy though that I at least can recognize and identify what is going on in me. That helps a lot. And I'm not in denial. Or at least I don't think I'm in denial. If you say you are not in denial, doesn't that suggest you are in denial? God this is all so confusing.
And I'm not grieving constantly. That comes and goes too. It does help to share it with you all so thanks for reading
Monday, November 5, 2007
An Understanding of Pride from Brazil
Several things have happened to me recently that have got me thinking or rethinking about pride. I think I've come to a new and different understanding of pride as a result.
First, I've met several Brazilians and one of the things that strikes me is how proud they are. They are proud of their food, their music, and their soccer. They are proud of their bodies and their good looks. They are proud of their love of life and their happiness.
Second, Chris and I had dinner before I left for Brazil. When we parted we hugged and told me he loved me as he always does (so sweet) and I told him I was proud of him and he said, "I'm proud of you too Dad."
And thirdly, several people wrote to tell me how proud they are of me for taking the steps to learn more about myself in order to grow as a person.
While there certainly have been moments in my life when I've felt proud, it is an emotion that I'm not very familiar with. It is an emotion I have mostly suppressed because I didn't want to appear superior or arrogant. Shame comes pretty easy to me, but I have fought to hold pride down. Part of self loathing maybe. Anyway, it is now my understanding that self pride is a wonderful emotion to have. I'm trying to identify things each day of which I am proud. I consider events in my life, accomplishments, activities, relationships, and so on. I think it is a wonderful way to acknowledge yourself in a positive spirit.
Telling someone else you are proud of them has a powerful and profound effect. In a way, it is more than telling one that you love them. Telling them you are proud of them says, "Not only do I love you, but I admire what you have done who you have become. My understanding is that telling yourself that you are proud has a similar effect.
I understand that I can avoid arrogance by admitting I'm not perfect and not comparing myself to anyone else in an attempt to feel superior. One can be proud without being arrogant.
This is a new insight for me and I'm really proud of it!!! And it feels really good.
Thanks for reading.
First, I've met several Brazilians and one of the things that strikes me is how proud they are. They are proud of their food, their music, and their soccer. They are proud of their bodies and their good looks. They are proud of their love of life and their happiness.
Second, Chris and I had dinner before I left for Brazil. When we parted we hugged and told me he loved me as he always does (so sweet) and I told him I was proud of him and he said, "I'm proud of you too Dad."
And thirdly, several people wrote to tell me how proud they are of me for taking the steps to learn more about myself in order to grow as a person.
While there certainly have been moments in my life when I've felt proud, it is an emotion that I'm not very familiar with. It is an emotion I have mostly suppressed because I didn't want to appear superior or arrogant. Shame comes pretty easy to me, but I have fought to hold pride down. Part of self loathing maybe. Anyway, it is now my understanding that self pride is a wonderful emotion to have. I'm trying to identify things each day of which I am proud. I consider events in my life, accomplishments, activities, relationships, and so on. I think it is a wonderful way to acknowledge yourself in a positive spirit.
Telling someone else you are proud of them has a powerful and profound effect. In a way, it is more than telling one that you love them. Telling them you are proud of them says, "Not only do I love you, but I admire what you have done who you have become. My understanding is that telling yourself that you are proud has a similar effect.
I understand that I can avoid arrogance by admitting I'm not perfect and not comparing myself to anyone else in an attempt to feel superior. One can be proud without being arrogant.
This is a new insight for me and I'm really proud of it!!! And it feels really good.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
An Understanding from Brazil; Sticking with the Winners
One very positive outcome of starting this blog is that I have come to appreciate in greater depth how fortunate I am to have such good friends and family. Most of you not only read my blog, but responded with warmth, love, support and encouragement. That has made me feel very loved and very special. I'm a fortuate man.
Some expressed concern that I take care of myself, to be good to myself, and to take it easy. To that end, I am blogging today from Rio de Jiniero, Brazil. It is overcast today. My room looks over the pool area with the beach and ocean beyond. Rest assured, I'm taking it easy; really really easy.
Harry is a friend from ACOA and he said two weeks ago that he is committed to 'sticking with the winners." He went on to describe that so many people are stuck in denial and are unwilling, unable, or not ready to recognize how damaged they are. They spend their time obsessively focusing on others in order to avoid facing their own hurt and pain. He described a situation where he suggested to a friend who was complaining about a current problem that he might seek some help . The friend had lots of reasons why he couldn't possibly do anything that Harry was suggesting and that Harry's ideas probably wouldn't work anyway. Plus the fellow explained, he was much too busy with work and family and didn't have any time to spend seeking a solution.
Harry called him a 'yes, but' kind of guy. Someone stuck in place, wants to complain, and responds to any suggestions with a 'yes, but' that explains why the recommendation won't work. Harry was determined to avoid these folks and these situations and instead, spend time with people who were aware, present, and willing to work to improve their lives.
I like Harry's concept but I don't like the term 'winner'. It implies that those (of us) who may be stuck, are losers. I like to think we are all on different points of the same path and that there is no contest. There are no winnners or losers. We are all simple travelers.
Harry's description of his situation with his friend reminded me a bit of myself. For some time I too have focused on helping others, being in tune with their problems, trying to be a white knight, trying to rescue people. On the surface, this appears to be a noble quality and in fact, it can be. But not when, one uses that behavior to avoid facing one's own issues.
I recently made a list of several of the women with whom I have had a committed serious relationship. Here are some of the characteristics: a widow whose husband of 20 years had died four months earlier; a divorced woman who discovered her husband was having an affair with her best friend while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer; another who had been a 20 year member of a group described as cult in most literature; and a woman who hid from me that she was still in contact with and carrying a torch for a married alcoholic with whom she had an affair that sort of ended a few months before we began seeing each other.
These women have had difficult relatonships with their own parents, have children with mild to severe emotional distrubance and behavioral issues; money or lack of it is another common thread. One last common thread.......they are all 'yes, but' people. They see life from a viewpoint of scarcity and difficulty. There is an assumption of helplessness in that there is a belief that nothing they can do will help or improve their situation.
I showed the list to a friend who smiled and said, "What does this information say about you?" When I said, 'what do you mean?' he replied, 'Do you think you might aim a little higher?' He was suggesting I stick with the winners.
So what does all this say about me? Why am I attracted to needy and damaged women? Is it because it allows me to feel superior? Maybe it allows me to focus on 'helping' them and avoiding my own issues. I suppose too, it allows me to appear noble and righteous in my efforts to help them.
So what to do? How can I get better?
First I think I continue to spend time alone and thinking about myself. I've been divorced for 15 years. In that time, I don't think two weeks have gone by when I wasn't dating someone. This is the first time in my adult life that I've spent time alone. These last couple of months have allowed to explore emotions I can't ever remember having before. I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.
Next, I'm focused on relating more with my friends who I think have a healthy outlook on life. They eat right, exercise, and lead a well rounded and balanced life. I'm avoiding or spending less time with the angry, the sad, and those in denial. Especially those in denial. I've read that denial is the first step in grieving. It is the easiest step in which to get stuck, because one doesn't realize one is in denial until one is ready to move forward.
I've also tried to relate to my family in ways that focus on healthy components of our realtionship and not get caught up in the difficult parts.
Next, I've enrolled in a weekend retreat at Kripalu titled, 'Embracing the Beloved' and I've begun reading the book that serves as the basis for the retreat. The course is designed to introduce me to the methods one can use a relationship to move further along a spiritual path. When the time comes, I'll be much better at choosing a healthy partner and not make the same mistakes I've made in the past.
Lastly, one of you pointed out that ACOA's don't know how to have fun and that is one symptom I've somehow avoided. And I will continue to take advantage of my strenghts and have fun. To that end, last night I went to the Salgueiro Samba School in Rio de Jineiro. Beginning in August, Samba schools around the city begin practicing their music and dance in preparation for Carnaval. Last night the 'school' was attended by over 1,000 happy dancing people. Young and old alike moving to the hypnotic drum beat of samba. When I left at 3:00 AM, people were still dancing, laughing and singing. You want happy? Come to Rio.
So, in closing I want to be clear I don't see people as winners or losers. We are all just people at different points on our journey. Still it is important for me at this point to be with people,, either as friends or in a romantic relationship who are not in denial and are willing to address the issues that can make them whole, complete and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
Some expressed concern that I take care of myself, to be good to myself, and to take it easy. To that end, I am blogging today from Rio de Jiniero, Brazil. It is overcast today. My room looks over the pool area with the beach and ocean beyond. Rest assured, I'm taking it easy; really really easy.
Harry is a friend from ACOA and he said two weeks ago that he is committed to 'sticking with the winners." He went on to describe that so many people are stuck in denial and are unwilling, unable, or not ready to recognize how damaged they are. They spend their time obsessively focusing on others in order to avoid facing their own hurt and pain. He described a situation where he suggested to a friend who was complaining about a current problem that he might seek some help . The friend had lots of reasons why he couldn't possibly do anything that Harry was suggesting and that Harry's ideas probably wouldn't work anyway. Plus the fellow explained, he was much too busy with work and family and didn't have any time to spend seeking a solution.
Harry called him a 'yes, but' kind of guy. Someone stuck in place, wants to complain, and responds to any suggestions with a 'yes, but' that explains why the recommendation won't work. Harry was determined to avoid these folks and these situations and instead, spend time with people who were aware, present, and willing to work to improve their lives.
I like Harry's concept but I don't like the term 'winner'. It implies that those (of us) who may be stuck, are losers. I like to think we are all on different points of the same path and that there is no contest. There are no winnners or losers. We are all simple travelers.
Harry's description of his situation with his friend reminded me a bit of myself. For some time I too have focused on helping others, being in tune with their problems, trying to be a white knight, trying to rescue people. On the surface, this appears to be a noble quality and in fact, it can be. But not when, one uses that behavior to avoid facing one's own issues.
I recently made a list of several of the women with whom I have had a committed serious relationship. Here are some of the characteristics: a widow whose husband of 20 years had died four months earlier; a divorced woman who discovered her husband was having an affair with her best friend while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer; another who had been a 20 year member of a group described as cult in most literature; and a woman who hid from me that she was still in contact with and carrying a torch for a married alcoholic with whom she had an affair that sort of ended a few months before we began seeing each other.
These women have had difficult relatonships with their own parents, have children with mild to severe emotional distrubance and behavioral issues; money or lack of it is another common thread. One last common thread.......they are all 'yes, but' people. They see life from a viewpoint of scarcity and difficulty. There is an assumption of helplessness in that there is a belief that nothing they can do will help or improve their situation.
I showed the list to a friend who smiled and said, "What does this information say about you?" When I said, 'what do you mean?' he replied, 'Do you think you might aim a little higher?' He was suggesting I stick with the winners.
So what does all this say about me? Why am I attracted to needy and damaged women? Is it because it allows me to feel superior? Maybe it allows me to focus on 'helping' them and avoiding my own issues. I suppose too, it allows me to appear noble and righteous in my efforts to help them.
So what to do? How can I get better?
First I think I continue to spend time alone and thinking about myself. I've been divorced for 15 years. In that time, I don't think two weeks have gone by when I wasn't dating someone. This is the first time in my adult life that I've spent time alone. These last couple of months have allowed to explore emotions I can't ever remember having before. I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.
Next, I'm focused on relating more with my friends who I think have a healthy outlook on life. They eat right, exercise, and lead a well rounded and balanced life. I'm avoiding or spending less time with the angry, the sad, and those in denial. Especially those in denial. I've read that denial is the first step in grieving. It is the easiest step in which to get stuck, because one doesn't realize one is in denial until one is ready to move forward.
I've also tried to relate to my family in ways that focus on healthy components of our realtionship and not get caught up in the difficult parts.
Next, I've enrolled in a weekend retreat at Kripalu titled, 'Embracing the Beloved' and I've begun reading the book that serves as the basis for the retreat. The course is designed to introduce me to the methods one can use a relationship to move further along a spiritual path. When the time comes, I'll be much better at choosing a healthy partner and not make the same mistakes I've made in the past.
Lastly, one of you pointed out that ACOA's don't know how to have fun and that is one symptom I've somehow avoided. And I will continue to take advantage of my strenghts and have fun. To that end, last night I went to the Salgueiro Samba School in Rio de Jineiro. Beginning in August, Samba schools around the city begin practicing their music and dance in preparation for Carnaval. Last night the 'school' was attended by over 1,000 happy dancing people. Young and old alike moving to the hypnotic drum beat of samba. When I left at 3:00 AM, people were still dancing, laughing and singing. You want happy? Come to Rio.
So, in closing I want to be clear I don't see people as winners or losers. We are all just people at different points on our journey. Still it is important for me at this point to be with people,, either as friends or in a romantic relationship who are not in denial and are willing to address the issues that can make them whole, complete and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The "F' Word
No, Not THAT "F" word!!!
I'm writing about feelings. Me? Write about Feelings? YIKES!!!!
I hope this is one of those blogs that I look back on and think, 'Wow! You really didn't understand much did you?" Please bare with me if my 'understanding' of emotions appears elementary and simple because that is where I am at today. It is my hope that by writing this blog, my understanding will grow and deepen
I grew up in a household that did not encourage emotions. Feelings were to be kept inside and not shared. Emotions could lead to explosive and scary behavior. I don't remember my Father telling me he loved me until I was in my thirties. I am not trying to blame anyone here, but I think personal history can help me understand.
I've kept my emotions under wraps for most of my life. I've not allowed myself to feel emotions. In fact, many times I've thought to myself "I don't feel anything. " Oh, anger comes through pretty strong. But other than that, emotions have been missing or limited. I think I have been afraid of them.
Ironically, I'm pretty in tune with other's emotions. I can intuit other's emotions quickly and accurately. I've read that this is a symptom of an adult child of an alcoholic. Children in a dysfunctional family learn quickly that survival depends on an ability to detect the prevailing mood of the home. It prompts them to take a caretaker role and to be concerned with other's emotions more than their own. That's me.
It is my understanding that I have buried my emotions and not allowed them to surface to the level of conscious recognition. That does not mean they do not exist. Feelings are a constant presence, but my heart has held them tight, not allowing them to be released. This must take enormous spiritual energy and I wonder how that has stunted my growth.
One result of repressed emotions is its affect intimacy. My ex lover told me in the recent past that I didn't share my feelings with her. And how could I? I didn't know what they were. If one can't share emotions, are we left with only intellectual discussions? Can that alone be the basis for an intimate relationship? I don't think so.
So what to do?
This past week I decided I was going to learn to feel and to emote. I've never thought of myself as stupid before, but this posed a bit of a challenge. Remember Mr. Spock from Star Trek? His race had no experience with emotion and consequently the idea of emotion was completely foreign to him. I felt a little like that starting out.
So, being the empirical pinhead that I am, I went to GOOGLE and did a search called, "list of emotions" and found the usual 100,000,000 results. I learned that lots of psychology types have classified emotions. I chose a very simple classification that suggests four basic emotions: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Fearful. Although this seemed a bit simplistic, it was an improvement over a previous paradigm I'd heard to describe men's emotional landscape: Angry, hungry, and horny.
Still I wanted more nuance to my emotional experience. Kind of like painting. We can use red, yellow, and blue only, but some of the art lies in the subtleties between the primary colors. I think this is true of emotions as well. So I spent some time identifying types of Mad, shades of Glad and so on. I've printed the list and I have them posted at work, in my car, and around my house. I stop several times a day and ask, "What are you feeling right now?" I know I'll laugh at how stupid this sounds some day. Actually, it sounds pretty stupid today. Nevertheless, I think it is working!! And it has me chuckling - (that is the result of feeling happy)
When I first started trying to feel emotions, I couldn't do it, but after a few days, feelings of remorse, shame, loss, and guilt started to be themselves present. Great, I thought. Just what I need. To fill my day feeling miserable. Fortunately, I had read that oftentimes when one has repressed feelings for sometime, these are the first ones to surface. So I've been patient and brave, letting these emotions out and in. And you know what? Just in the past few days, other more pleasant emotions have begun to emerge. I can feel and identify serenity, elation, and joy.
Two more understandings I want to share. This sounds so trite, I'm embarrassed to write it, but I've learned that it is okay to feel my emotions. Yesterday I began to cry over feelings of guilt and shame and I heard myself say, "Don't cry." I'm sure I've said that to myself a million times, but this was the first time, I thought, "Wait a minute. Don't say that. Say go ahead and cry. Feel, really feel that emotion."
The second understanding is this. Emotions pour through me and move on unless I hold onto them. So, I've been trying to feel and experience the emotion, but not to clench it. It is like an internal body shower. Emotions can wash through me, I feel them, and let them go. Let them pass. This is important because it allows me to feel sad without being sad; I can feel angry without being angry. Feeling an emotion does not make you that emotion. You can feel, watch, and experience the emotion without becoming the emotion.
The questions I can't answer just yet are, when, where, how, and with whom does one share emotional intimacy? Was it wise to not share emotional intimacy with my ex lover because she brought a dishonest element to the relationship from the beginning? Or, if I had been able to be more emotionally open, would she then have felt safe enough to disclose her secret?
For now, I plan to play and revel with my emotions alone. But just as a painter who plays with color must ultimately share his art with others, I understand that we are at our best when we share our emotions with others. I look forward to someday sharing mine.
Thanks for reading.
Mike
I'm writing about feelings. Me? Write about Feelings? YIKES!!!!
I hope this is one of those blogs that I look back on and think, 'Wow! You really didn't understand much did you?" Please bare with me if my 'understanding' of emotions appears elementary and simple because that is where I am at today. It is my hope that by writing this blog, my understanding will grow and deepen
I grew up in a household that did not encourage emotions. Feelings were to be kept inside and not shared. Emotions could lead to explosive and scary behavior. I don't remember my Father telling me he loved me until I was in my thirties. I am not trying to blame anyone here, but I think personal history can help me understand.
I've kept my emotions under wraps for most of my life. I've not allowed myself to feel emotions. In fact, many times I've thought to myself "I don't feel anything. " Oh, anger comes through pretty strong. But other than that, emotions have been missing or limited. I think I have been afraid of them.
Ironically, I'm pretty in tune with other's emotions. I can intuit other's emotions quickly and accurately. I've read that this is a symptom of an adult child of an alcoholic. Children in a dysfunctional family learn quickly that survival depends on an ability to detect the prevailing mood of the home. It prompts them to take a caretaker role and to be concerned with other's emotions more than their own. That's me.
It is my understanding that I have buried my emotions and not allowed them to surface to the level of conscious recognition. That does not mean they do not exist. Feelings are a constant presence, but my heart has held them tight, not allowing them to be released. This must take enormous spiritual energy and I wonder how that has stunted my growth.
One result of repressed emotions is its affect intimacy. My ex lover told me in the recent past that I didn't share my feelings with her. And how could I? I didn't know what they were. If one can't share emotions, are we left with only intellectual discussions? Can that alone be the basis for an intimate relationship? I don't think so.
So what to do?
This past week I decided I was going to learn to feel and to emote. I've never thought of myself as stupid before, but this posed a bit of a challenge. Remember Mr. Spock from Star Trek? His race had no experience with emotion and consequently the idea of emotion was completely foreign to him. I felt a little like that starting out.
So, being the empirical pinhead that I am, I went to GOOGLE and did a search called, "list of emotions" and found the usual 100,000,000 results. I learned that lots of psychology types have classified emotions. I chose a very simple classification that suggests four basic emotions: Glad, Sad, Mad, and Fearful. Although this seemed a bit simplistic, it was an improvement over a previous paradigm I'd heard to describe men's emotional landscape: Angry, hungry, and horny.
Still I wanted more nuance to my emotional experience. Kind of like painting. We can use red, yellow, and blue only, but some of the art lies in the subtleties between the primary colors. I think this is true of emotions as well. So I spent some time identifying types of Mad, shades of Glad and so on. I've printed the list and I have them posted at work, in my car, and around my house. I stop several times a day and ask, "What are you feeling right now?" I know I'll laugh at how stupid this sounds some day. Actually, it sounds pretty stupid today. Nevertheless, I think it is working!! And it has me chuckling - (that is the result of feeling happy)
When I first started trying to feel emotions, I couldn't do it, but after a few days, feelings of remorse, shame, loss, and guilt started to be themselves present. Great, I thought. Just what I need. To fill my day feeling miserable. Fortunately, I had read that oftentimes when one has repressed feelings for sometime, these are the first ones to surface. So I've been patient and brave, letting these emotions out and in. And you know what? Just in the past few days, other more pleasant emotions have begun to emerge. I can feel and identify serenity, elation, and joy.
Two more understandings I want to share. This sounds so trite, I'm embarrassed to write it, but I've learned that it is okay to feel my emotions. Yesterday I began to cry over feelings of guilt and shame and I heard myself say, "Don't cry." I'm sure I've said that to myself a million times, but this was the first time, I thought, "Wait a minute. Don't say that. Say go ahead and cry. Feel, really feel that emotion."
The second understanding is this. Emotions pour through me and move on unless I hold onto them. So, I've been trying to feel and experience the emotion, but not to clench it. It is like an internal body shower. Emotions can wash through me, I feel them, and let them go. Let them pass. This is important because it allows me to feel sad without being sad; I can feel angry without being angry. Feeling an emotion does not make you that emotion. You can feel, watch, and experience the emotion without becoming the emotion.
The questions I can't answer just yet are, when, where, how, and with whom does one share emotional intimacy? Was it wise to not share emotional intimacy with my ex lover because she brought a dishonest element to the relationship from the beginning? Or, if I had been able to be more emotionally open, would she then have felt safe enough to disclose her secret?
For now, I plan to play and revel with my emotions alone. But just as a painter who plays with color must ultimately share his art with others, I understand that we are at our best when we share our emotions with others. I look forward to someday sharing mine.
Thanks for reading.
Mike
Monday, October 22, 2007
Fear of intimacy and pain of isolation
A couple of recent events have prompted me to create this blog. Actually, it is not the events themselves, but my reactions to them that bring me here.
My Dad fell and broke his shoulder and can no longer get himself in and out of bed. Someone must stay overnight with him and assist him during his frequent efforts to urinate. He is a recovering alcoholic and was a pretty mean SOB in his day. I am finding it very difficult to have sympathy and compassion for him at this point in his life and that has led to some pretty strong feelings of guilt and shame.
Additionally, I learned that the woman I love lied to me and betrayed me. The subsequent feelings of abandonment are overwhelming. This happened another time in my recent past and I'm now left wondering what is wrong with me that I would have chosen these women to love.
Taken together, these events have rocked me and moved me off my center. Not all together a bad thing because it has caused me to take a hard look at myself in an attempt to understand myself in a way I never have before.
The purpose of this blog is just that - to share with people I respect and trust, some possible understandings of myself in this world. It is not my attempt to prescribe or preach, but simply to share what I understand at this point in time. I hope that my understandings will change and grow over time. My current blogs might appear silly and superficial when compared with later ones. I sure hope so.
The benefits of blogging include forcing myself to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling, prompt me to keep learning and growing, and allow others the opportunity, but not the responsibility, to give me some feedback.
So here we go........
I read the other day that many of us vacillate between the pain of intimacy and hopeless isolation. I have come to realize that I I've struggled with this all my life. When I am in a relationship and we start to get close, I get nervous and edgy. It is like I'm running around making sure all the cracks are sealed and the walls are strong so that my my partner can't see me being vulnerable. I need to maintain an air of cool, and calm at all times. I'm sort of the James Dean of emotional intimacy. When I do lose my cool, I'm harsh and hard in voice and countenance. I begin to find reasons to break up with my partner. I find her faults and perseverate on them like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. Regardless of how attractive my partner is, I start looking at other women and wondering what she is like. I grow quiet, moody, and disengaged.
This must be so difficult for my partner, sensing that I am holding back and wondering, "Is it me or is it him?" They, of course, want to help and want to get closer, which I perceive as more intrusion and even more painful, so I shut down even more. Eventually, they give up. And I'm left alone.
Once I'm alone, I start looking for another partner. Or I watch too much television, or eat too much sugar, or drink too much alcohol. I do anything to prevent me from facing that 'hopeless isolation." I start calling or emailing friends I haven't talked to in awhile. I go out to eat just so I'll be around people. Fortunately, (or unfortunately) it never takes me too long to find another partner and then the cycle starts all over again.
So, what to do? Well, I could spend a lot of time and thought wondering where this mess all started. I suppose I could blame my parents. Or maybe the Nuns in elementary school. Instead, I think I'll just move forward from here and try to identify and practice some strategies that may help me become more comfortable with intimacy and less fearful of being alone. I think practice and modeling are keys to effective learning, so I am going put myself in settings that are comfortable and that allow and encourage intimacy. I'm going to sit quietly more and make friends with my alone time. Specifically, I've decided to do the following.
I've begun attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. These are helpful in that one is allowed to share one's most intimate feelings, thoughts and emotions in a supportive and noncritical environment. Cross talking - commenting on or questioning what another has said - is not permitted. Watching and listening to others open up and share their most intimate thoughts, feelings and emotions gives me the courage to open myself up as well.
Additionally, I've been speaking more openly to selected friends about what is going on in my life in a way that I have never ever done. I'm letting myself be seen as vulnerable, troubled, and struggling. This has been liberating in that my friends have embraced me and I think, see me as more human.
Writing this blog is yet another strategy that I hope will work.
I've signed up for a weekend course at Kripalu for singles called something like "Creating Spiritual Partnerships." Here I hope to focus on values and to determine what exactly I am looking for in a partner.
Lastly, in order to get comfortable with being alone, I'm not going to enter into another relationship for some time, probably one year. In fact, the old cycle started to repeat itself already this afternoon when a colleague said to me, "Now that you don't have a girlfriend, do you finally want to meet my friend?" I turned it down with an explanation that I want to spend some time with myself, thinking and hopefully learning about myself. I'm going to be careful of television, eating sugar, drinking alcohol. I plan to do more reading, blogging, playing music, painting, and volunteering.
By the way, I'm teaching swing dance lessons at the Library in preparation for the Library's fundraising dance, An Evening of Blues, Take Two with Al Copley January 26. The lessons are December 5, 12, and 19 from 6:30 to 8:00 and are free. Singles and couples welcome. No charge but participants are encouraged to attend the fundraising dance.
So there you have Some Understandings of Fear of Intimacy and pain of isolation.
Thanks for reading.
My Dad fell and broke his shoulder and can no longer get himself in and out of bed. Someone must stay overnight with him and assist him during his frequent efforts to urinate. He is a recovering alcoholic and was a pretty mean SOB in his day. I am finding it very difficult to have sympathy and compassion for him at this point in his life and that has led to some pretty strong feelings of guilt and shame.
Additionally, I learned that the woman I love lied to me and betrayed me. The subsequent feelings of abandonment are overwhelming. This happened another time in my recent past and I'm now left wondering what is wrong with me that I would have chosen these women to love.
Taken together, these events have rocked me and moved me off my center. Not all together a bad thing because it has caused me to take a hard look at myself in an attempt to understand myself in a way I never have before.
The purpose of this blog is just that - to share with people I respect and trust, some possible understandings of myself in this world. It is not my attempt to prescribe or preach, but simply to share what I understand at this point in time. I hope that my understandings will change and grow over time. My current blogs might appear silly and superficial when compared with later ones. I sure hope so.
The benefits of blogging include forcing myself to put into words what I'm thinking and feeling, prompt me to keep learning and growing, and allow others the opportunity, but not the responsibility, to give me some feedback.
So here we go........
I read the other day that many of us vacillate between the pain of intimacy and hopeless isolation. I have come to realize that I I've struggled with this all my life. When I am in a relationship and we start to get close, I get nervous and edgy. It is like I'm running around making sure all the cracks are sealed and the walls are strong so that my my partner can't see me being vulnerable. I need to maintain an air of cool, and calm at all times. I'm sort of the James Dean of emotional intimacy. When I do lose my cool, I'm harsh and hard in voice and countenance. I begin to find reasons to break up with my partner. I find her faults and perseverate on them like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman. Regardless of how attractive my partner is, I start looking at other women and wondering what she is like. I grow quiet, moody, and disengaged.
This must be so difficult for my partner, sensing that I am holding back and wondering, "Is it me or is it him?" They, of course, want to help and want to get closer, which I perceive as more intrusion and even more painful, so I shut down even more. Eventually, they give up. And I'm left alone.
Once I'm alone, I start looking for another partner. Or I watch too much television, or eat too much sugar, or drink too much alcohol. I do anything to prevent me from facing that 'hopeless isolation." I start calling or emailing friends I haven't talked to in awhile. I go out to eat just so I'll be around people. Fortunately, (or unfortunately) it never takes me too long to find another partner and then the cycle starts all over again.
So, what to do? Well, I could spend a lot of time and thought wondering where this mess all started. I suppose I could blame my parents. Or maybe the Nuns in elementary school. Instead, I think I'll just move forward from here and try to identify and practice some strategies that may help me become more comfortable with intimacy and less fearful of being alone. I think practice and modeling are keys to effective learning, so I am going put myself in settings that are comfortable and that allow and encourage intimacy. I'm going to sit quietly more and make friends with my alone time. Specifically, I've decided to do the following.
I've begun attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings. These are helpful in that one is allowed to share one's most intimate feelings, thoughts and emotions in a supportive and noncritical environment. Cross talking - commenting on or questioning what another has said - is not permitted. Watching and listening to others open up and share their most intimate thoughts, feelings and emotions gives me the courage to open myself up as well.
Additionally, I've been speaking more openly to selected friends about what is going on in my life in a way that I have never ever done. I'm letting myself be seen as vulnerable, troubled, and struggling. This has been liberating in that my friends have embraced me and I think, see me as more human.
Writing this blog is yet another strategy that I hope will work.
I've signed up for a weekend course at Kripalu for singles called something like "Creating Spiritual Partnerships." Here I hope to focus on values and to determine what exactly I am looking for in a partner.
Lastly, in order to get comfortable with being alone, I'm not going to enter into another relationship for some time, probably one year. In fact, the old cycle started to repeat itself already this afternoon when a colleague said to me, "Now that you don't have a girlfriend, do you finally want to meet my friend?" I turned it down with an explanation that I want to spend some time with myself, thinking and hopefully learning about myself. I'm going to be careful of television, eating sugar, drinking alcohol. I plan to do more reading, blogging, playing music, painting, and volunteering.
By the way, I'm teaching swing dance lessons at the Library in preparation for the Library's fundraising dance, An Evening of Blues, Take Two with Al Copley January 26. The lessons are December 5, 12, and 19 from 6:30 to 8:00 and are free. Singles and couples welcome. No charge but participants are encouraged to attend the fundraising dance.
So there you have Some Understandings of Fear of Intimacy and pain of isolation.
Thanks for reading.
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