I’ve been writing this blog for about a month now. During that time I have also been attending ACOA meetings and reading and focusing on daily meditations from Melanie Beattie’s The Language of Letting Go as well as The Language of Tao (I can’t recall the author’s name). I’ve read several books on personal growth too. As a result, I’ve come to understand a few things and I want to share them.
First, personal growth is a huge undertaking. I think learning about yourself is vast and takes a lifetime. It is like learning to surf, or about wine, or learning a new language. When you begin and you have learned just a little bit, you run the risk of thinking you’ve mastered your subject. It is only with time and more learning that you realize how little you really know and much further you have to go. A lifetime to go.
I preface my comments here by admitting how ‘green’ I am at this because I want to make sure I realize that current understandings are just that….current and simple understandings.
I don’t know anything.
I expect and hope that these understandings will change and grow over time.
On the other hand, I don’t want to trivialize what I’ve learned. I believe these understandings are basic and fundamental, but true and strong. I believe in them and have faith that they will stand the test of time and scrutiny.
Letting go is my first understanding. What do I have to let go of? I am not sure, but it may be everything. In her book, Beattie lists the following things to let go of – anger, being a victim, chaos, confusion, denial, fear, fear of abandonment, guilt, naivete, need to control, old beliefs, perfection, resistance, sadness, self criticism, self-doubt, shame, the past, those not in recovery, timing, urgency, what we want, and worry. Whew!
Letting go is allowing life to unfold without an attempt to control the outcome. Letting go requires a belief that things always work out for the best.
When I let go, I can be here now and appreciate the moment. When I let go, I can feel calm and serene. When I let go, I don’t have to plan. When I let go, I don’t have to worry. When I let go, I don’t have to suppose, fret, question, examine, or review.
I can simply observe, feel and be.
The second fundamental I have come to understand is the importance of gratitude. This is actually not a new one for me. I have had the great fortune of having had two major and serious illnesses in my life. When I was 22 I spent a year recuperating from hepatitis. When I was 31 I contracted sarcoidosis (I know I’d never heard of it either) and had to have lung surgery and have a pacemaker implanted. Again, it took a year to recover.
Both of those illnesses made me realize how much just simple, good health meant. After spending weeks in the hospital, I remember being so grateful in having the strength to get out of bed and simply sit outside and feel the sunshine.
Those illnesses had a profound effect on me in terms of gratitude. I became more appreciative of what I have. It made me aware that each and every day, no matter how mundane or hard is a very special gift. Gratitude is my way of saying thank you for that gift.
Gratitude has a diffusing quality. When I am upset or angry, I can stop and think, “what is good about this situation?” or ‘things could always be worse” and suddenly things don’t seem so bad.
Gratitude is a magical tool. It can turn frustration into satisfaction; turn failure into success; anger into serenity; denial into acceptance.
The third understanding I have is that I need to practice. I already have the tools to live a healthy productive life. What I need to keep in mind is that I need to use these tools every day. Practice allows me to get better at letting go and feeling gratitude. More importantly, practice makes the responses of letting go and feeling gratitude automatic so that when circumstances are challenging my first response is to use these tools……letting go and gratitude.
So thanks for reading.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
The next right thing
I met with someone on this distribution list yesterday and we both marveled at the power of letting go, accepting, and not resisting. In the conversation, she said the other thing that has been so powerful for her is 'doing the next right thing.' I think Buddha talks about 'right speech' and 'right talk'. Both, I understand to mean that we have a responsibility to ourselves and others to act right and to do the right thing.
The notion of forgiveness keeps coming up for me when I think of the 'next right thing'. I understand forgiveness to be putting an end to unfinished business. In a way, it too is letting go. Letting go of resentment, hurt, and pride. It expects nothing in return. And it allows hurt to be replaced with kindness; pride to be replaced with love.
I understand desire to lead to frustration to lead to anger to lead to resentment. Letting go breaks the chain.
So how to forgive? I think it is like going to the track for a run. You don't show up the first day and run 10 miles.... well I don't anyway. You start small and run a short distance and you gradually build it up. So too with forgiveness. You forgive (yourself and others) for small hurts and gradually work up to the bigger and more important ones. Both are accomplished with lots of practice.
I understand too, that you forgive the person, not the action. Lying and deceit hurt others. I don't intend to forgive the action, I want forgive the person.
So how do I do this? I've been practicing a meditation in which I open my heart and bring the person, sometimes myself and sometimes another, into my heart and say, "I forgive you. I forgive you for whatever you have done to hurt me in the past. It may have been caused by your mistrust, your anger, your fear. I forgive you. I hold no resentment toward you.' And I just let all anger stuff go and bring in warm love, mercy and kindness.
Then, I imagine someone I've hurt and bring them into my heart and and I ask for mercy, forgiveness and kindness. I try to pay attention to the blocks to my own heart and try to open it up and be brave and fearless in accepting their mercy.
Clearly all of this takes time and practice. But I believe it works. Having a heart filled with mercy, love, and kindness is so much better than having one filled with anger and resentment.
So I keep practicing and hope that someday I'll understand it all. Kind of like tasting wine. Someday I'll recognize the smell of apple blossoms in a fine Cabernet, until then I'll keep faking it.
Thanks for reading.
The notion of forgiveness keeps coming up for me when I think of the 'next right thing'. I understand forgiveness to be putting an end to unfinished business. In a way, it too is letting go. Letting go of resentment, hurt, and pride. It expects nothing in return. And it allows hurt to be replaced with kindness; pride to be replaced with love.
I understand desire to lead to frustration to lead to anger to lead to resentment. Letting go breaks the chain.
So how to forgive? I think it is like going to the track for a run. You don't show up the first day and run 10 miles.... well I don't anyway. You start small and run a short distance and you gradually build it up. So too with forgiveness. You forgive (yourself and others) for small hurts and gradually work up to the bigger and more important ones. Both are accomplished with lots of practice.
I understand too, that you forgive the person, not the action. Lying and deceit hurt others. I don't intend to forgive the action, I want forgive the person.
So how do I do this? I've been practicing a meditation in which I open my heart and bring the person, sometimes myself and sometimes another, into my heart and say, "I forgive you. I forgive you for whatever you have done to hurt me in the past. It may have been caused by your mistrust, your anger, your fear. I forgive you. I hold no resentment toward you.' And I just let all anger stuff go and bring in warm love, mercy and kindness.
Then, I imagine someone I've hurt and bring them into my heart and and I ask for mercy, forgiveness and kindness. I try to pay attention to the blocks to my own heart and try to open it up and be brave and fearless in accepting their mercy.
Clearly all of this takes time and practice. But I believe it works. Having a heart filled with mercy, love, and kindness is so much better than having one filled with anger and resentment.
So I keep practicing and hope that someday I'll understand it all. Kind of like tasting wine. Someday I'll recognize the smell of apple blossoms in a fine Cabernet, until then I'll keep faking it.
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Losing Control can be a good thing
I've been writing these blogs after giving considerable thought to the content or issue before putting into words. Today, in light of the topic, I thought I might 'let go' a bit and write without knowing where I'm really heading with this. I'll go back and edit when I'm done so I hope it won't be rambling and confused.
Several of my readings suggest that control is a core issue for Adult Children. The need for control stems from the fear of living in an out of control home as young children. As adults, they need to control behavior and emotions in themselves and others for fear that things can quickly get out of control otherwise. Control seems to be an all or nothing concept. Either one is in control or out of control. There is no grey scale.
There are obvious control methods such as manipulation, false kindness, and passive aggressive behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior is another example of one trying to maintain control.
Many control others from the point of view of martyrdom. Here one controls another by enabling the other's dysfunction - running errands, paying bills, meeting with teachers and counselors. The martyr convinces himself he is doing this all for the other, but in reality keeping the other sick allows the martyr to control the situation. Being the martyr also provides a handy excuse from taking a closer look at oneself. We can push away any suggestions to look more closely at ourselves because we don't want to take the focus off the other.
In my past, I think I've modified the martyr into the 'white knight'. I was the guy who would save the damsel in distress. I've spent a lot of time in relationships 'helping' someone with her financial and emotional distress; counseling on her children's behavior and so on. Some of this is healthy of course. Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time. It is when it becomes a pattern a behavior and the foundation of a relationship when it is unhealthy. It also allowed me not to look at myself very closely because I was too busy 'helping' my partner.
I think I made some strides in this area in recent years, when I learned that I could offer help but not be caught up in the drama of the situation and realizing that the situation was not critical or dire. Often my partners would respond to the normal everyday trials of life with excessive drama. For a long time, I allowed myself to get caught up in the drama while I was acting like the martyr or white knight. More recently though, I learned to sort of detach emotionally. I was still playing the role, but it was from a dispassionate distance. So I think that was a step in the right direction. But I think too, I can appear cold and hard.
In fact, I was most recently criticized for 'not being nurturing' and I think that was a response to my distancing myself emotionally from the supposed 'crisis'. I would listen with sympathy and offer to help, but wouldn't confirm the other's belief that the situation was critical. I've learned that 'dramatists' don't like that. They want you to get caught up in the distress emotionally because it confirms their own sick thinking. If you remain calm and objective while trying to address a problem while they are spinning out of control, it takes the fun out of it. So I think I've learned something. I think it is healthy to help someone; healthy to show supportive emotion; but also healthy to set boundaries and be able to say something like, "Look, I know this important to you and I want to help and I can see how distressing it is, but......you are spinning this way out of proportion. This is not the end of the world. I'll give you my help, but I am not going to allow this problem to consume me."
Of course, I can reverse roles too. When things were ending in this past relationship, I was the one spinning out of control. The ex was the one who disassociated and remained calm. I was the one who thought it was a crisis, wanted to work on solving the problem, tried to change things and so on. She took a more measured approach to see how things would turn out.
I think much of the time, I don't work too hard at maintaining control. I'm good most of the time with work, with my son, and with my friends and the rest of my life. When things get difficult, is when my control mechanisms kick in. When I'm surprised by something or criticized, I want to get control back. When i feel abandoned I want control. Day to day though, I think I kind of let the control issue relax.
The control issue is nicely tied to letting go. One can't 'let go' and 'be in control' at the same time. So, as I continue to practice letting go, I will spend less time trying to be in control.
Being in control is way too much work. Letting go is not only less work, its more fun.
thanks for reading
Several of my readings suggest that control is a core issue for Adult Children. The need for control stems from the fear of living in an out of control home as young children. As adults, they need to control behavior and emotions in themselves and others for fear that things can quickly get out of control otherwise. Control seems to be an all or nothing concept. Either one is in control or out of control. There is no grey scale.
There are obvious control methods such as manipulation, false kindness, and passive aggressive behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior is another example of one trying to maintain control.
Many control others from the point of view of martyrdom. Here one controls another by enabling the other's dysfunction - running errands, paying bills, meeting with teachers and counselors. The martyr convinces himself he is doing this all for the other, but in reality keeping the other sick allows the martyr to control the situation. Being the martyr also provides a handy excuse from taking a closer look at oneself. We can push away any suggestions to look more closely at ourselves because we don't want to take the focus off the other.
In my past, I think I've modified the martyr into the 'white knight'. I was the guy who would save the damsel in distress. I've spent a lot of time in relationships 'helping' someone with her financial and emotional distress; counseling on her children's behavior and so on. Some of this is healthy of course. Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time. It is when it becomes a pattern a behavior and the foundation of a relationship when it is unhealthy. It also allowed me not to look at myself very closely because I was too busy 'helping' my partner.
I think I made some strides in this area in recent years, when I learned that I could offer help but not be caught up in the drama of the situation and realizing that the situation was not critical or dire. Often my partners would respond to the normal everyday trials of life with excessive drama. For a long time, I allowed myself to get caught up in the drama while I was acting like the martyr or white knight. More recently though, I learned to sort of detach emotionally. I was still playing the role, but it was from a dispassionate distance. So I think that was a step in the right direction. But I think too, I can appear cold and hard.
In fact, I was most recently criticized for 'not being nurturing' and I think that was a response to my distancing myself emotionally from the supposed 'crisis'. I would listen with sympathy and offer to help, but wouldn't confirm the other's belief that the situation was critical. I've learned that 'dramatists' don't like that. They want you to get caught up in the distress emotionally because it confirms their own sick thinking. If you remain calm and objective while trying to address a problem while they are spinning out of control, it takes the fun out of it. So I think I've learned something. I think it is healthy to help someone; healthy to show supportive emotion; but also healthy to set boundaries and be able to say something like, "Look, I know this important to you and I want to help and I can see how distressing it is, but......you are spinning this way out of proportion. This is not the end of the world. I'll give you my help, but I am not going to allow this problem to consume me."
Of course, I can reverse roles too. When things were ending in this past relationship, I was the one spinning out of control. The ex was the one who disassociated and remained calm. I was the one who thought it was a crisis, wanted to work on solving the problem, tried to change things and so on. She took a more measured approach to see how things would turn out.
I think much of the time, I don't work too hard at maintaining control. I'm good most of the time with work, with my son, and with my friends and the rest of my life. When things get difficult, is when my control mechanisms kick in. When I'm surprised by something or criticized, I want to get control back. When i feel abandoned I want control. Day to day though, I think I kind of let the control issue relax.
The control issue is nicely tied to letting go. One can't 'let go' and 'be in control' at the same time. So, as I continue to practice letting go, I will spend less time trying to be in control.
Being in control is way too much work. Letting go is not only less work, its more fun.
thanks for reading
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Acceptance
I played junior varsity basketball for my high school team when I was in the 10th grade. Our coach took a bunch of mediocre players all the way to the state finals. We lost. But I learned the importance of basics and fundamentals.
I learned that if you simply box out your opponent, even at 5’ 8” you can most often get the rebound. I learned that if you cut off the baseline and force your opponent into the center of the court, you can get help from your teammates. Hold your palm up, not down, on a layup and you add 5 inches to your release.
Coach wouldn’t let us dribble behind our back or showboat in any way. Stick to the fundamentals and you will be fine he kept telling us.
I since learned that sound fundamentals won’t always win you the championship, but they will take you pretty far.
Two life fundamentals I’m working on are acceptance and gratitude. These two help fear, anger, loneliness, sadness and just about anything else life throws at me.
Acceptance for me is letting go; not resisting; seeing what is, rather than what I think it is. I really like it because it brings an immediate response of serenity. When I let go, I don’t have to do anything except watch and wait to see what happens next. It is ironic because I feel empowered by letting go. I think serenity is my favorite emotion these days.
I was watching a special on the Wall Street journalist, Daniel Pearl who was murdered in Iraq. At the end of the program, they interviewed his wife and they asked her if she was angry over her husband’s murder. And she said something like, One can’t be happy until one stops resisting. I think a big part of acceptance is to stop resisting.
One of the hardest things for me to accept is when someone turns out to be not who I thought them to be. I’m not talking about the sort of image we project onto people through our own filter. Rather, I’m referring to the huge sense of betrayal and loss of faith and trust when someone deceives you and lies to you. There is that immediate surging denial response that says, “NO, that can’t be. This person would not treat me like that. This person loves me.” Anger raises its ugly head next.
Anger can be so much fun. You can be all self righteous and imagine all these great scenarios where you tell the other person off. Seriously, though anger is such a waste of time. Each minute you spend angry is one minute of happiness or serenity that you have forfeited. Sadness and bargaining follow but then ultimately you come to accept the other person for who they truly are.
For me, acceptance is not a resignation. It is almost void of emotion. There is more of a quiet serenity. Kind of that is the way it is, and so be it. I get comfortable with the understanding.
One needs to be careful not to avoid accepting and adapting. If I am being abused by being lied to and deceived, I can’t accept that. If as happened to me recently, the person can’t or won’t stop lying, I need to accept that and move on.
I should note that acceptance can come and go. I can be serene about being mistreated one day and be angry the next.
The good news though is I can practice acceptance; practice letting go; practice not resisting, practice having no demands and the times of serenity become longer and occur more often; The periods of anger, denial and sadness get shorter and less frequent.
Maybe that is enough for today. I’ll talk about gratitude in another blog.
Thanks for reading .
I learned that if you simply box out your opponent, even at 5’ 8” you can most often get the rebound. I learned that if you cut off the baseline and force your opponent into the center of the court, you can get help from your teammates. Hold your palm up, not down, on a layup and you add 5 inches to your release.
Coach wouldn’t let us dribble behind our back or showboat in any way. Stick to the fundamentals and you will be fine he kept telling us.
I since learned that sound fundamentals won’t always win you the championship, but they will take you pretty far.
Two life fundamentals I’m working on are acceptance and gratitude. These two help fear, anger, loneliness, sadness and just about anything else life throws at me.
Acceptance for me is letting go; not resisting; seeing what is, rather than what I think it is. I really like it because it brings an immediate response of serenity. When I let go, I don’t have to do anything except watch and wait to see what happens next. It is ironic because I feel empowered by letting go. I think serenity is my favorite emotion these days.
I was watching a special on the Wall Street journalist, Daniel Pearl who was murdered in Iraq. At the end of the program, they interviewed his wife and they asked her if she was angry over her husband’s murder. And she said something like, One can’t be happy until one stops resisting. I think a big part of acceptance is to stop resisting.
One of the hardest things for me to accept is when someone turns out to be not who I thought them to be. I’m not talking about the sort of image we project onto people through our own filter. Rather, I’m referring to the huge sense of betrayal and loss of faith and trust when someone deceives you and lies to you. There is that immediate surging denial response that says, “NO, that can’t be. This person would not treat me like that. This person loves me.” Anger raises its ugly head next.
Anger can be so much fun. You can be all self righteous and imagine all these great scenarios where you tell the other person off. Seriously, though anger is such a waste of time. Each minute you spend angry is one minute of happiness or serenity that you have forfeited. Sadness and bargaining follow but then ultimately you come to accept the other person for who they truly are.
For me, acceptance is not a resignation. It is almost void of emotion. There is more of a quiet serenity. Kind of that is the way it is, and so be it. I get comfortable with the understanding.
One needs to be careful not to avoid accepting and adapting. If I am being abused by being lied to and deceived, I can’t accept that. If as happened to me recently, the person can’t or won’t stop lying, I need to accept that and move on.
I should note that acceptance can come and go. I can be serene about being mistreated one day and be angry the next.
The good news though is I can practice acceptance; practice letting go; practice not resisting, practice having no demands and the times of serenity become longer and occur more often; The periods of anger, denial and sadness get shorter and less frequent.
Maybe that is enough for today. I’ll talk about gratitude in another blog.
Thanks for reading .
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
GOOD GRIEF
This grieving stuff is difficult. Denial, feelings of sadness, anger, and then bargaining - thinking of things I can do or should have done to make it all right. When the hell does acceptance finally get here?
I don't know if I have ever grieved with awareness before. I think I suppressed the emotions, ignored them, or numbed myself with sugar, television or alcohol.
But this time I'm driving through with eyes and heart wide open. And ouch it hurts. I do have faith though that I'll be a better person when I finish with it because I will have learned something about myself.
I had read about the grieving process and the work done by Kubler Ross years ago. About how grieving goes through stages. What I didn't realize is that the stages all sort of happen at once. I'll feel angry for awhile; then I'm sad; then I think of an idea about how I can make things right. I want to call her and ask how her grieving is going or if she is grieving at all? I go around and around.
I'm happy though that I at least can recognize and identify what is going on in me. That helps a lot. And I'm not in denial. Or at least I don't think I'm in denial. If you say you are not in denial, doesn't that suggest you are in denial? God this is all so confusing.
And I'm not grieving constantly. That comes and goes too. It does help to share it with you all so thanks for reading
I don't know if I have ever grieved with awareness before. I think I suppressed the emotions, ignored them, or numbed myself with sugar, television or alcohol.
But this time I'm driving through with eyes and heart wide open. And ouch it hurts. I do have faith though that I'll be a better person when I finish with it because I will have learned something about myself.
I had read about the grieving process and the work done by Kubler Ross years ago. About how grieving goes through stages. What I didn't realize is that the stages all sort of happen at once. I'll feel angry for awhile; then I'm sad; then I think of an idea about how I can make things right. I want to call her and ask how her grieving is going or if she is grieving at all? I go around and around.
I'm happy though that I at least can recognize and identify what is going on in me. That helps a lot. And I'm not in denial. Or at least I don't think I'm in denial. If you say you are not in denial, doesn't that suggest you are in denial? God this is all so confusing.
And I'm not grieving constantly. That comes and goes too. It does help to share it with you all so thanks for reading
Monday, November 5, 2007
An Understanding of Pride from Brazil
Several things have happened to me recently that have got me thinking or rethinking about pride. I think I've come to a new and different understanding of pride as a result.
First, I've met several Brazilians and one of the things that strikes me is how proud they are. They are proud of their food, their music, and their soccer. They are proud of their bodies and their good looks. They are proud of their love of life and their happiness.
Second, Chris and I had dinner before I left for Brazil. When we parted we hugged and told me he loved me as he always does (so sweet) and I told him I was proud of him and he said, "I'm proud of you too Dad."
And thirdly, several people wrote to tell me how proud they are of me for taking the steps to learn more about myself in order to grow as a person.
While there certainly have been moments in my life when I've felt proud, it is an emotion that I'm not very familiar with. It is an emotion I have mostly suppressed because I didn't want to appear superior or arrogant. Shame comes pretty easy to me, but I have fought to hold pride down. Part of self loathing maybe. Anyway, it is now my understanding that self pride is a wonderful emotion to have. I'm trying to identify things each day of which I am proud. I consider events in my life, accomplishments, activities, relationships, and so on. I think it is a wonderful way to acknowledge yourself in a positive spirit.
Telling someone else you are proud of them has a powerful and profound effect. In a way, it is more than telling one that you love them. Telling them you are proud of them says, "Not only do I love you, but I admire what you have done who you have become. My understanding is that telling yourself that you are proud has a similar effect.
I understand that I can avoid arrogance by admitting I'm not perfect and not comparing myself to anyone else in an attempt to feel superior. One can be proud without being arrogant.
This is a new insight for me and I'm really proud of it!!! And it feels really good.
Thanks for reading.
First, I've met several Brazilians and one of the things that strikes me is how proud they are. They are proud of their food, their music, and their soccer. They are proud of their bodies and their good looks. They are proud of their love of life and their happiness.
Second, Chris and I had dinner before I left for Brazil. When we parted we hugged and told me he loved me as he always does (so sweet) and I told him I was proud of him and he said, "I'm proud of you too Dad."
And thirdly, several people wrote to tell me how proud they are of me for taking the steps to learn more about myself in order to grow as a person.
While there certainly have been moments in my life when I've felt proud, it is an emotion that I'm not very familiar with. It is an emotion I have mostly suppressed because I didn't want to appear superior or arrogant. Shame comes pretty easy to me, but I have fought to hold pride down. Part of self loathing maybe. Anyway, it is now my understanding that self pride is a wonderful emotion to have. I'm trying to identify things each day of which I am proud. I consider events in my life, accomplishments, activities, relationships, and so on. I think it is a wonderful way to acknowledge yourself in a positive spirit.
Telling someone else you are proud of them has a powerful and profound effect. In a way, it is more than telling one that you love them. Telling them you are proud of them says, "Not only do I love you, but I admire what you have done who you have become. My understanding is that telling yourself that you are proud has a similar effect.
I understand that I can avoid arrogance by admitting I'm not perfect and not comparing myself to anyone else in an attempt to feel superior. One can be proud without being arrogant.
This is a new insight for me and I'm really proud of it!!! And it feels really good.
Thanks for reading.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
An Understanding from Brazil; Sticking with the Winners
One very positive outcome of starting this blog is that I have come to appreciate in greater depth how fortunate I am to have such good friends and family. Most of you not only read my blog, but responded with warmth, love, support and encouragement. That has made me feel very loved and very special. I'm a fortuate man.
Some expressed concern that I take care of myself, to be good to myself, and to take it easy. To that end, I am blogging today from Rio de Jiniero, Brazil. It is overcast today. My room looks over the pool area with the beach and ocean beyond. Rest assured, I'm taking it easy; really really easy.
Harry is a friend from ACOA and he said two weeks ago that he is committed to 'sticking with the winners." He went on to describe that so many people are stuck in denial and are unwilling, unable, or not ready to recognize how damaged they are. They spend their time obsessively focusing on others in order to avoid facing their own hurt and pain. He described a situation where he suggested to a friend who was complaining about a current problem that he might seek some help . The friend had lots of reasons why he couldn't possibly do anything that Harry was suggesting and that Harry's ideas probably wouldn't work anyway. Plus the fellow explained, he was much too busy with work and family and didn't have any time to spend seeking a solution.
Harry called him a 'yes, but' kind of guy. Someone stuck in place, wants to complain, and responds to any suggestions with a 'yes, but' that explains why the recommendation won't work. Harry was determined to avoid these folks and these situations and instead, spend time with people who were aware, present, and willing to work to improve their lives.
I like Harry's concept but I don't like the term 'winner'. It implies that those (of us) who may be stuck, are losers. I like to think we are all on different points of the same path and that there is no contest. There are no winnners or losers. We are all simple travelers.
Harry's description of his situation with his friend reminded me a bit of myself. For some time I too have focused on helping others, being in tune with their problems, trying to be a white knight, trying to rescue people. On the surface, this appears to be a noble quality and in fact, it can be. But not when, one uses that behavior to avoid facing one's own issues.
I recently made a list of several of the women with whom I have had a committed serious relationship. Here are some of the characteristics: a widow whose husband of 20 years had died four months earlier; a divorced woman who discovered her husband was having an affair with her best friend while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer; another who had been a 20 year member of a group described as cult in most literature; and a woman who hid from me that she was still in contact with and carrying a torch for a married alcoholic with whom she had an affair that sort of ended a few months before we began seeing each other.
These women have had difficult relatonships with their own parents, have children with mild to severe emotional distrubance and behavioral issues; money or lack of it is another common thread. One last common thread.......they are all 'yes, but' people. They see life from a viewpoint of scarcity and difficulty. There is an assumption of helplessness in that there is a belief that nothing they can do will help or improve their situation.
I showed the list to a friend who smiled and said, "What does this information say about you?" When I said, 'what do you mean?' he replied, 'Do you think you might aim a little higher?' He was suggesting I stick with the winners.
So what does all this say about me? Why am I attracted to needy and damaged women? Is it because it allows me to feel superior? Maybe it allows me to focus on 'helping' them and avoiding my own issues. I suppose too, it allows me to appear noble and righteous in my efforts to help them.
So what to do? How can I get better?
First I think I continue to spend time alone and thinking about myself. I've been divorced for 15 years. In that time, I don't think two weeks have gone by when I wasn't dating someone. This is the first time in my adult life that I've spent time alone. These last couple of months have allowed to explore emotions I can't ever remember having before. I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.
Next, I'm focused on relating more with my friends who I think have a healthy outlook on life. They eat right, exercise, and lead a well rounded and balanced life. I'm avoiding or spending less time with the angry, the sad, and those in denial. Especially those in denial. I've read that denial is the first step in grieving. It is the easiest step in which to get stuck, because one doesn't realize one is in denial until one is ready to move forward.
I've also tried to relate to my family in ways that focus on healthy components of our realtionship and not get caught up in the difficult parts.
Next, I've enrolled in a weekend retreat at Kripalu titled, 'Embracing the Beloved' and I've begun reading the book that serves as the basis for the retreat. The course is designed to introduce me to the methods one can use a relationship to move further along a spiritual path. When the time comes, I'll be much better at choosing a healthy partner and not make the same mistakes I've made in the past.
Lastly, one of you pointed out that ACOA's don't know how to have fun and that is one symptom I've somehow avoided. And I will continue to take advantage of my strenghts and have fun. To that end, last night I went to the Salgueiro Samba School in Rio de Jineiro. Beginning in August, Samba schools around the city begin practicing their music and dance in preparation for Carnaval. Last night the 'school' was attended by over 1,000 happy dancing people. Young and old alike moving to the hypnotic drum beat of samba. When I left at 3:00 AM, people were still dancing, laughing and singing. You want happy? Come to Rio.
So, in closing I want to be clear I don't see people as winners or losers. We are all just people at different points on our journey. Still it is important for me at this point to be with people,, either as friends or in a romantic relationship who are not in denial and are willing to address the issues that can make them whole, complete and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
Some expressed concern that I take care of myself, to be good to myself, and to take it easy. To that end, I am blogging today from Rio de Jiniero, Brazil. It is overcast today. My room looks over the pool area with the beach and ocean beyond. Rest assured, I'm taking it easy; really really easy.
Harry is a friend from ACOA and he said two weeks ago that he is committed to 'sticking with the winners." He went on to describe that so many people are stuck in denial and are unwilling, unable, or not ready to recognize how damaged they are. They spend their time obsessively focusing on others in order to avoid facing their own hurt and pain. He described a situation where he suggested to a friend who was complaining about a current problem that he might seek some help . The friend had lots of reasons why he couldn't possibly do anything that Harry was suggesting and that Harry's ideas probably wouldn't work anyway. Plus the fellow explained, he was much too busy with work and family and didn't have any time to spend seeking a solution.
Harry called him a 'yes, but' kind of guy. Someone stuck in place, wants to complain, and responds to any suggestions with a 'yes, but' that explains why the recommendation won't work. Harry was determined to avoid these folks and these situations and instead, spend time with people who were aware, present, and willing to work to improve their lives.
I like Harry's concept but I don't like the term 'winner'. It implies that those (of us) who may be stuck, are losers. I like to think we are all on different points of the same path and that there is no contest. There are no winnners or losers. We are all simple travelers.
Harry's description of his situation with his friend reminded me a bit of myself. For some time I too have focused on helping others, being in tune with their problems, trying to be a white knight, trying to rescue people. On the surface, this appears to be a noble quality and in fact, it can be. But not when, one uses that behavior to avoid facing one's own issues.
I recently made a list of several of the women with whom I have had a committed serious relationship. Here are some of the characteristics: a widow whose husband of 20 years had died four months earlier; a divorced woman who discovered her husband was having an affair with her best friend while she was undergoing treatment for breast cancer; another who had been a 20 year member of a group described as cult in most literature; and a woman who hid from me that she was still in contact with and carrying a torch for a married alcoholic with whom she had an affair that sort of ended a few months before we began seeing each other.
These women have had difficult relatonships with their own parents, have children with mild to severe emotional distrubance and behavioral issues; money or lack of it is another common thread. One last common thread.......they are all 'yes, but' people. They see life from a viewpoint of scarcity and difficulty. There is an assumption of helplessness in that there is a belief that nothing they can do will help or improve their situation.
I showed the list to a friend who smiled and said, "What does this information say about you?" When I said, 'what do you mean?' he replied, 'Do you think you might aim a little higher?' He was suggesting I stick with the winners.
So what does all this say about me? Why am I attracted to needy and damaged women? Is it because it allows me to feel superior? Maybe it allows me to focus on 'helping' them and avoiding my own issues. I suppose too, it allows me to appear noble and righteous in my efforts to help them.
So what to do? How can I get better?
First I think I continue to spend time alone and thinking about myself. I've been divorced for 15 years. In that time, I don't think two weeks have gone by when I wasn't dating someone. This is the first time in my adult life that I've spent time alone. These last couple of months have allowed to explore emotions I can't ever remember having before. I've learned a lot and I have a lot more to learn.
Next, I'm focused on relating more with my friends who I think have a healthy outlook on life. They eat right, exercise, and lead a well rounded and balanced life. I'm avoiding or spending less time with the angry, the sad, and those in denial. Especially those in denial. I've read that denial is the first step in grieving. It is the easiest step in which to get stuck, because one doesn't realize one is in denial until one is ready to move forward.
I've also tried to relate to my family in ways that focus on healthy components of our realtionship and not get caught up in the difficult parts.
Next, I've enrolled in a weekend retreat at Kripalu titled, 'Embracing the Beloved' and I've begun reading the book that serves as the basis for the retreat. The course is designed to introduce me to the methods one can use a relationship to move further along a spiritual path. When the time comes, I'll be much better at choosing a healthy partner and not make the same mistakes I've made in the past.
Lastly, one of you pointed out that ACOA's don't know how to have fun and that is one symptom I've somehow avoided. And I will continue to take advantage of my strenghts and have fun. To that end, last night I went to the Salgueiro Samba School in Rio de Jineiro. Beginning in August, Samba schools around the city begin practicing their music and dance in preparation for Carnaval. Last night the 'school' was attended by over 1,000 happy dancing people. Young and old alike moving to the hypnotic drum beat of samba. When I left at 3:00 AM, people were still dancing, laughing and singing. You want happy? Come to Rio.
So, in closing I want to be clear I don't see people as winners or losers. We are all just people at different points on our journey. Still it is important for me at this point to be with people,, either as friends or in a romantic relationship who are not in denial and are willing to address the issues that can make them whole, complete and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
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