Listening

One of the ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) characteristics is that we don't ask for what we need or want. We tend to suffer in silent resentment; play the victim thinking 'well I'm not going to get what I want anyway, so why ask?'; and then we get upset and angry that people don't give us what we want or need. Next, we overreact and those around us are usually surprised because they are not mind readers and had no idea what we wanted because we never told them.

There are two rules at ACOA meetings. One is that stuff you hear there is confidential to the person and two there is no cross talk. Cross talk is defined as commenting on what another says or asking questions. So when someone talks, you just listen. They talk for as long as they want and when they finish you say 'thanks.' There is no obligation to talk; some people talk a lot; others don't talk at all.

I'm amazed though at the power of talking and knowing that no one will say anything when I am finished. It is unique in my experience and extraordinary. It allows me to think out loud in a particular way that I can't do anywhere else. Further when someone else talks, it forces me to listen, really listen, to what they are saying. I'm not formulating in my head what I am going to say when they are finished because I'm not going to say anything. I wonder if couples would benefit from this periodically.

Last night we talked about asking for what we need and how this is a difficulty we face. One woman said she doesn't ask for anything anymore. She had only wanted one thing in life and that was to have a family. After a few years of trying and a difficult marriage she, being Catholic, applied for an annulment and found out from a priest that her husband had lied to her and had had a vasectomy and never told her. This incident occurred over 30 years ago and as she told the story, I don't think I've ever seen anyone in so much emotional pain. No one in the room moved or maybe even breathed as she told her story. She never, ever had children and she began to cry as she told the story saying that she hadn't cried for years and years. It was just heartbreaking. Now she says she never asks for anything because she knows she won't get it.

I'm not sure what understanding I took away from this.

Was it to treat people with kindness because they may have experienced such pain in their life we can't even fathom it?

Was it to not give up asking for what I need and setting boundaries in terms of what I'll tolerate?

Was it that we all need to be honest with one another?

Was it the importance of forgiving and letting go?

I gave her a long hug before I left the meeting.

I wonder if it helped.

thanks for reading.