Losing Control can be a good thing

I've been writing these blogs after giving considerable thought to the content or issue before putting into words. Today, in light of the topic, I thought I might 'let go' a bit and write without knowing where I'm really heading with this. I'll go back and edit when I'm done so I hope it won't be rambling and confused.

Several of my readings suggest that control is a core issue for Adult Children. The need for control stems from the fear of living in an out of control home as young children. As adults, they need to control behavior and emotions in themselves and others for fear that things can quickly get out of control otherwise. Control seems to be an all or nothing concept. Either one is in control or out of control. There is no grey scale.

There are obvious control methods such as manipulation, false kindness, and passive aggressive behavior. Obsessive compulsive behavior is another example of one trying to maintain control.
Many control others from the point of view of martyrdom. Here one controls another by enabling the other's dysfunction - running errands, paying bills, meeting with teachers and counselors. The martyr convinces himself he is doing this all for the other, but in reality keeping the other sick allows the martyr to control the situation. Being the martyr also provides a handy excuse from taking a closer look at oneself. We can push away any suggestions to look more closely at ourselves because we don't want to take the focus off the other.

In my past, I think I've modified the martyr into the 'white knight'. I was the guy who would save the damsel in distress. I've spent a lot of time in relationships 'helping' someone with her financial and emotional distress; counseling on her children's behavior and so on. Some of this is healthy of course. Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time. It is when it becomes a pattern a behavior and the foundation of a relationship when it is unhealthy. It also allowed me not to look at myself very closely because I was too busy 'helping' my partner.

I think I made some strides in this area in recent years, when I learned that I could offer help but not be caught up in the drama of the situation and realizing that the situation was not critical or dire. Often my partners would respond to the normal everyday trials of life with excessive drama. For a long time, I allowed myself to get caught up in the drama while I was acting like the martyr or white knight. More recently though, I learned to sort of detach emotionally. I was still playing the role, but it was from a dispassionate distance. So I think that was a step in the right direction. But I think too, I can appear cold and hard.

In fact, I was most recently criticized for 'not being nurturing' and I think that was a response to my distancing myself emotionally from the supposed 'crisis'. I would listen with sympathy and offer to help, but wouldn't confirm the other's belief that the situation was critical. I've learned that 'dramatists' don't like that. They want you to get caught up in the distress emotionally because it confirms their own sick thinking. If you remain calm and objective while trying to address a problem while they are spinning out of control, it takes the fun out of it. So I think I've learned something. I think it is healthy to help someone; healthy to show supportive emotion; but also healthy to set boundaries and be able to say something like, "Look, I know this important to you and I want to help and I can see how distressing it is, but......you are spinning this way out of proportion. This is not the end of the world. I'll give you my help, but I am not going to allow this problem to consume me."

Of course, I can reverse roles too. When things were ending in this past relationship, I was the one spinning out of control. The ex was the one who disassociated and remained calm. I was the one who thought it was a crisis, wanted to work on solving the problem, tried to change things and so on. She took a more measured approach to see how things would turn out.

I think much of the time, I don't work too hard at maintaining control. I'm good most of the time with work, with my son, and with my friends and the rest of my life. When things get difficult, is when my control mechanisms kick in. When I'm surprised by something or criticized, I want to get control back. When i feel abandoned I want control. Day to day though, I think I kind of let the control issue relax.

The control issue is nicely tied to letting go. One can't 'let go' and 'be in control' at the same time. So, as I continue to practice letting go, I will spend less time trying to be in control.
Being in control is way too much work. Letting go is not only less work, its more fun.

thanks for reading